A man in a rhinestoned cape? Must be "Art Basil"!

Oh yes, it's that time of year again! Last night marked the beginning of Art Basel and we kicked off the festivities by heading out to an "Art Basil" (retards) party on Star Island. After an incredibly awkward cab ride with an overly chatty driver we arrived at a "house" that appeared to be more like the Village of Santo Poco from The Three Amigos! The place was huge and was crawling with socialites, sickly looking models, ex-reality show posers and of course, lots of old men trying to look hip! Seriously, there was a man in his late 40's with green spiked hair and a pooka necklace!

When we first entered the party we were left breathless from the spectacle of statues that lined the gardens. There was a giant Velociraptor, Silver Back Gorilla, twin pigs and a few bronze old men. The DJ was the legendary Galaxy Girl who in her late 40's is still keeping it as real as a rave by Rinker in 1997! Classy. There were models riding around on electric bicycles painted up like foliage and dressed in what appeared to be paper machier frocks. There were also a lot of man scarves (complete with pompoms) and a bevvy of gold diggers on the prowl!

I'd like to take a brief moment here to discuss the dimly lit "stars" from the briefly aired Miami Social. While I loved to hate the program I admit, I watched every episode and can name all those vomits whenever I spot them at Segafredo's drinking an Ignacio (long story for another time). Up close in person, here's the verdict: Sora is pretty but is way older than I thought and her boyfriend looks like Danny Wood from the New Kids. Michael is extremely wimpy looking and was spotted wearing some kind of Old Navy Rugby Shirt with black slacks and dress shoes! I guess that crazy Russian girl really did cut up all his jeans! Katrina looks like she's been holding in all her farts since she auditioned for The Apprentice's first season and seriously needs to reconsider that husband she just left! I swear, I should have my own show!

OK, and now for the grand finale--Cape Man! As I sipped my overly sweetened mojito and glanced at all the ridiculousness this party had to offer, God offered up one more treat in the form of an extremely gay man wearing an aqua blazer that came complete with a bedazzled cape attached! And not just any run of the mill bedazzling but a rhinestone Peace Sign! It's as though he wanted to share with the world his view that being tacky can bring peace. Fantastic. Complete with frosted tips and a bare chest beneath his blazer he was a dream come true for me! I quickly approached him and when our eyes locked we shared a serendipitous moment that can only be created when an incredibly gay man meets of woman of equal gayness (if you don't understand this statement you're either a bland woman or a very straight man).

I approached my Caped Crusader and said, "Honey, you're just too fabulous! I need to take a picture with you." He replied by saying, "Sure thing Cleopatra. Lets go!" He threw his arm around me and began to bounce around in anticipation of our photo op. He was as excited as me! After we shared our blissful moment and walked away I knew that I had been in the presence of gay greatness. This type of magical moment is clearly the mark of a bountiful Art Basel or rather, Art Basil and this year, I intend to soak in as much tacky as possible!

Awkward Moments of Unnecessary Nakedness

As a little Cuban girl growing up the idea of physical modesty was pretty much beaten into me. We never ran around in diapers without a t-shirt growing up and we never swam naked at the beach. Shit, we never even ran barefoot in front of our own house! We were taught to always go into the restroom to get changed and to keep our boobies to ourselves! Of course, when I say "we" I'm referring to my sister Sabrina who still gets freaked out when I get changed in front of her!


In my life there's been a number of moments when I've encountered a creepy amount of unnecessary nakedness that has burned some horrible memories on my brain. These moments have caused me to both loathe and envy people for forcing me to pretend that I'm totally cool with all their "cash and prizes" staring me in the face while they casually carry on a conversation! Why can't they just keep their blouses on like I was brought up to? Why do they insist on engaging in conversation while their freakish boobs and "parts" hanging out? Why are they wearing thongs in public if they haven't had a waxing?


When I was in high school I went to the National Youth Group Gathering with a bunch of friends and one very odd (kindly put) female leader. I won't reveal her name (some of you can figure this one out) but she was less than attractive and very closely resembled a long haired Truman Capote! This lady got paired up with my friend Diana and I as our room chaperone and walked out of the shower with only a towel wrapped around her waist! What is she, Tarzan? She had the craziest pair of low-hangers with freakish sideways nipples and started talking to us about our day!! We were absolutely blown away when she next started to comb and blow dry her hair with a diffuser! How on earth was I supposed to discuss my spiritual growth while her growths were hanging around all over the place? Inappropriate!


When I was in College I was forced to take dance so that as a Theatre Major I would hopefully become a triple threat. No such luck. However, I do remember the first time I used the locker room after ballet to change into something for my next class. I walked in before anyone else finished class and let myself into one of the large stalls so as to maintain my discretion. When I emerged, the main area was packed with naked hippy-chicks with hairy armpits and weird underwear! I need to add that this was when I attended Florida State because FIU's dance program, as we all know, was packed with Latin girls as modest as me! One girl asked me where I got my blouse (as if she was actually going to wear one) and engaged me in a conversation that kept me guessing where to stare--at this girls saucer sized nips or her nearly dreadlocked pits! Yikes!

My sister recently had a locker room experience of her own. Mind you, this is the girl who gets made if I moon her but not if I fart in the car...nuts! She walked into the locker room after a workout and spotted a middle aged woman fresh out of the shower and conversing with a not too comfortable bystander. The situation then took a new turn when the lady propped up her foot on a bench and leaned forward to pop her elbow on her knee! How can this woman live with herself?! Why can't she at least pop on a Tarzan and spare us the labials! Unacceptable!!

I think the most uncomfortable part of these situations is that these people all assume that everyone is as comfortable with our bodies as they are! Did their mothers never wear undies around the house growing up? Did the family sit around for naked Bible Studies? Did their nipples become deformed from the lack of undergarments? These are all questions that I'd like to get to the bottom of but I refuse to lose any sleep over. If any of you have any insight or scenarios to share please do! In the meantime, I will go on with my life in avoidance of naked awkwardness and will vow here and now to never put any of you through one of these creep moments!

I Nearly Cut a Bitch!

I've never been known as someone with a bad temper. In fact, I'm usually known for my perpetually sunny attitude. While I've been known to lose my cool from time to time (usually at work) I usually have a high tolerance for shenanigans. Last night, however, I was pushed to such a level of aggravation that I nearly cut a bitch!

Gio and I love going to concerts and will travel across the country for a good show. No matter where you go, the simple concert etiquette rules always apply and for the most part people are polite and courteous. Last night we went to the Vagabond to catch the Junior Boys show and the crowd was ridiculous! The line to get in wrapped around the block and even though we had pre-purchased tickets I had to convince the "Door People" to come talk to us instead of allowing the moochers to walk ahead. When we finally made it through the door and headed to the main room the floor was so packed that we had to "politely" push and shove our way across the room.

We settled into a spot on the back right corner of the room and cozied up to a bald guy wearing a choker with these two chicks dressed as though it was still 1998. You know what I'm talking about. They were the kind of girls with dolphin or sunflower tattoos on their ankles and they'd probably make out with each other just to turn on the choker guy before the night was over. Gio took a spot right behind me but kept his arm around my waist for safe keeping. Choker Man was clearly buzzed and continuously attempted to wrap his left arm around the both of the girls from 1998 but was only successful in bumping splashes of Vodka Tonic out of my glass. I gave him some small nudges and tried to ignore his stupidity but after enduring five songs of this my patience began to wear thin.

Then enter the next two douche bags! The first guy can only be described as Harvey Keitel with Bruce Jenner's hair cut and his friend was the Poor Man's Jason Priestly. Seriously. The two gimps pushed their way in from my left and decided to park themselves right in front of me. Here is when the snap began. I turned to Brandon Walsh and said, "Oh, so this is what you're going to do? You're going to stop right here in front of me?" Harvey Jenner missed the whole situation as he was busy texting away. The guy cut in front of me so that he could text people and block my view! Then his extremely astute friend made the mistake of saying, "What?" and caused the snap to complete. "Is this what you're gonna do? I've been here for a half hour and you and your friend are going to stop here right in front of me? You need to pick up your douche friend and keep on moving! Why don't you move on and park in front of those chicks from 1998?!"

At this point, Choker Man threw his arm around with such a force that he caused my drink to splash onto my blouse. It was on and I started yelling! "Look, I understand if you're trying to mack on these two chicks. But if you're going to swing your freakish hairy arm around you need to look in all directions first! You've been knocking this drink out of my glass over and over and now I'm wearing half of it! Move over and quit ruining my night!"

I lost it. I know. I completely flew off the handle. Gio stood behind me laughing at the whole situation and like a good boyfriend, took me out of the room and bought me a fresh drink. Choker Man apologized a million times and I completely scared Harvey and Jason out of the way (and right in front of the girls from 1998...hahaha). In a crazy way, I completely enjoyed myself! There was something so fantastic about being able to flip out on a few douche bags and release all the disgust I had been hiding in my heart!

With the fresh drink in hand I recounted the story of my skirmish to our friends and even broke into some dancing! I guess I ought to feel bad about my behavior but those guys should feel way worse about their complete lack of concert etiquette! If any of you want to catch a concert with me sometime know that I'll make sure to shame everyone out of our way as we dance on their embarrassment!

The Art of Hiding Fatness

First of all, I'd like to apologize for the delay in this entry. I have neglected my readers for far too long and am committed to make this up to you and will start with a subject that's near and dear to my heart: hiding the fatty parts on my body!

I've recently recovered from a terrible cold and have been dealing with kidney stones for the last month. Super attractive. As a result, my workout regime has suffered greatly and even though my lovely boyfriend swears I'm thin (bless him), I know where the fat has begun to lurk. On just the edge of my belly, the upper part of my hips and the inside of my thighs! How does the fat know how to sneak in on me like this? Its as though the fat is growing smarter and smarter as I age and eventually, I will be overcome by it's powers!

I'm walking in a wedding in November and recently discovered that I now appear to have a tiny ponch in the bridesmaid dress and am faced with two options: get back to my summer shape or breakdown and buy a compression undergarment, better known as "una faja"!

As a young girl we all grew up watching our mothers pour themselves into these contraptions as they prepared themselves to attend a wedding, baptism or Quince. As grown Hispanic women, we tend to give in one by one and begin purchasing Spanks in order to keep our ghetto booties under control. I have yet to wear Spanks but have been known to dabble in control-top tights from time to time. I never have VPL (if you don't know what this is just ask your gay friends to smack you and explain) and strongly believe in lace strapped undies to prevent the creation of Muffin Top. But, this prospect of having to shop alongside the abuelas in some kind of specialty store are extremely frightening and as a result, I've begun working out like mad!

Before closing this installment I'd like to give some attention to the two greatest offenses women commit on a daily basis: VPL and Muffin Top. Ladies, I don't care what shape, size, age or weight you are, there is always a way to avoid these catastrophes! It is completely unacceptable to commit these crimes and not hate yourself! If you're wearing leggings you have no right to wear a bikini brief! No right at all! You have to either embrace the thong or spend the cash on those seamless boy shorts. VPL sends the message that you just don't care about your appearance or about creating the ilusion of the "double ass". Take a little pride in being a woman and purchase the proper undergarments. You have no right!!

Now, Muffin Top is a phenomena that can pop up in many different forms. There is traditional muffin top which is honestly most common in girls with no ass. Seriously. Its a fact that if you have a big butt the denim gets pulled into another direction and you are 30% less likely to have Muffin Top. Hooray!

Upper Arm Muffin Top occurs when you wear a size Small cap sleeve blouse from Forever 21 when you know you belong in a Medium. Stop lying to yourself! Large breasted women can have Boob Muffin Top when they're wearing an old bra from high school (you know who you are) and it is nearly impossible to hide in any kind of blouse. Twin Peaks people! My friend Gise recently found that if you buy a very tight knee brace you end up running around Miami Beach with Knee Muffin Top! Watch out for her knee overlap if you're running with her!

At some point, I will have no choice and will embrace the likes of Spanks and Fajas but for now, I'd rather invest my money into a personal trainer instead of purchasing an array of double Lycra compression garments. So if you see Gise and I running around with her "Top of the Muffin to Ya" knee, throw us a waive and wish me luck!

The Whereabouts of Renee Ferguson

Ask, and you shall receive! I had a request from one of my readers to report on the whereabouts of Fergie's buck-toothed sister Renee. Well, check out the link below and feast your eyes on more Fergie fake-bake! Enjoy!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wild_Orchid_(band)

PLEASE STOP TOUCHING YOUR FACES!!

Earlier today, I happened to catch a few minutes of Poseidon, the extremely disappointing remake of Gene Hackman's The Poseidon Adventure. Just when I was about to change the channel when I was suddenly struck by the vision on Fergie singing on stage for the ship's New Year's Party. First of all, the thought of Fergie working as a cruise ship entertainer is way too amazing and gives me a warm feeling inside. However, I couldn't help but notice how freaking busted that girl is! Am I the only person that remembers her as Stacy from Kids Incorporated? That show was part of the original Nickelodeon lineup when the network seemed to be obsessed with Canadian programming and the green slime actually meant something. But she went from being the sunny little girl with a dream to that busted chick who wets her pants and marries way out of her league! The girl has touched her face so many times she's starting to look like Charo! And I don't mean the Charo from the 60's, I mean Charo from Surreal World!! See below for the evidence of her progression.

Next, we have the Material Girl herself, Madonna. I don't care how much my gay friends shun me for saying this but the truth must be told cuz girlfriend looks nuts! I'm sitting here watching SNL (Scarlett made a cameo since her hubby is hosting...yuck) and Madonna pops in from out of nowhere to make a cameo. She subjected us to her extremely dynamic acting skills and had a play fight with Lady Gaga. While I find Lady Gaga to be a hugely ridiculous sell-out (look up the images of her from her Coffee House years in 2007) that girl made Madonna look like a sickly old waste! I have no idea what she was trying to achieve from her last Plastic Surgery but if she walked into the doctor's office and asked to look like the puppet from Saw, well, mission accomplished! She looks like a damn ventriloquist dummy! I'm not even sure how she's able to wear sunglasses anymore with those crazy cheekbones! If she touches her face one more time she won't be able to open her eyes anymore and her nose will be in her mouth! See below for more evidence.

Ladies, I am all in favor of doing a little something to your nose or removing a turkey jowl if it makes you feel better but when we start to look like Cat People something has got to give! I feel it is much more attractive to age gracefully than to deform your face and turn into a freak show! Madonna, you're not fooling anyone...we all know you're an old lady and you need to give it up! And as for you Fergie, if this is what you look like now what's going to happen when you hit 50? You both need to suck up to Cher for her surgeon's phone number and get those faces straightened out immediately. If Bruce Jenner is starting to look more normal than you it's definitely time for a change! Stop touching your faces...the world has enough to fear without looking at your freaky mugs!

The Chongas Live On

Alright people, you asked for it and I'm a servant to my readers! Let us further discuss the different types of Chongas we encounter on a daily basis here in Greater Miami.

Since my last entry I had the rare opportunity to have a one on one conversation with the famous Medical Assistant Chonga! This exotic gem of a Chonga gives her scrubs a daily challenge by pouring her huge silicone breasts into the tight, un-giving fabric. The only thing keeping her from wearing the famous Chinese slippers is the opportunity to work her black Nikes with pom-pom ankle socks every day! Que comodo! She usually has a messy ponytail and forgets to wear makeup but her nails are incredible and she calls everyone "mama". Yuneicy, the Chonga I came into contact with this week, is in charge of collecting urine samples from the bathroom before they get picked up by the lab. She also only spoke to me in Spanish even though I replied in English every time. Super amazing.

Next we have the Insurance Associate Chonga. I say Associate because this Chonga doesn't want the responsibility of being an actual Agent. However, she definitely feels she runs the place and manages to man-handle all the customers! In her younger years she dreamed of being a hair salon Chonga because she enjoys stripping the color of her hair and experimenting with her eyebrow shape but the Insurance Agency paid more which enabled her to get her eyebrows tattooed on permanently. She takes cigarette breaks every hour and loves to wear over sized polo shirts she shares with her macho. This Chonga is also extra unique as she really enjoys plastic jewelry bought from Valsan and leaves her hair curly all the time! Que mona.

The Cuban Bakery Chonga is one of my favorites as I have encountered them more than any other Chonga in my life! I want to use Maritza from Las Palmas as an example of this brand of Chonga as her churros and cafe con leche have inspired an entire generation. This Chonga enjoys being very "matchy-matchy" with her outfits and finds coordinating scrunchies (that's right, she still wears them), jewelry (all plastic or color dipped, of course), eye shadow, sneakers and nail polish all based on the color of her work uniform. In the case of Maritza, she matches everything to the Green Polo Shirt that is part of her Las Palmas uniform! Her favorite catch phrases are "mi cielo", "amorcito" and "pase lo que pase" and she hasn't changed the oil in the fryer ever. Long live Maritza!

Finally, we have the paradox of the I Just Found Religion Chonga vs the Born Again Chonga. The reason for the specificity is the I Just Found Religion Chonga really has found religion (usually either Catholic, Jehova's Wittness or if Protestant she prefers Pentecostal) while the Born Again Chonga is just that--a Chonga who has regained her Chonga roots.

The I Just Found Religion Chonga loves French Braids, scrunchies, floral button-down blouses and very tacky Bible carriers. She also enjoys buttons and big earrings that are accentuated by her use of the French Braid. She is constantly talking about God's work in her life and loves to pray for everyone yet can't let go of sayings like "bro", "requete fresh" or "lo que esta pa ti". She means well and is an excellent person to have in your corner because, after all, she's still Chonga at heart and will chew out anybody that disrespects her girl! Dale socia!

The Born Again Chonga is phenomenal because she manages to take the horror of a breakup or divorce and turn it into an opportunity to get all Chonga again! She frequents the Faja Store for compression undergarments and is a huge fan of the fake hair piece and under-the-eye liner. This jeva enjoys haunts such as Kaffe Krystal or Azucar and throws down the keys of her previously owned Lexus while Cougaring on the weekends. She is truly an inspiration to us all.

I don't know how many more Chongas I have in me but as long as you all have a need, I will continue to research and record each variety of Chonga known to man. Hollah!

The Chongas of our Lives

Every now and then, we get treated to little remnants of Chonga through the fashions we see on the streets. Miami is full of what I refer to as "Grown-up Chongas" who've come to find some sort of career yet have managed to cling to the fashions of their youth. Places like Miami International Airport, Mansion or Space nightclubs, any store on NW 20th and 20th, and of course, Dolphin Mall are filled to the brim with adult Chongas dressed to the 9's in what they feel are acceptable interpretations of womanly attire.

Let us take a moment now to analyze the different types of Adult Chongas and the careers available to them in South Florida. I'd like to warn you that I have no intention of being politically correct in this blog and am very certain that all of us have at least one Chonga in our family to compare this to.

There's the Bank Teller Chonga. She still rocks her "Sharpie Lip Liner" and major acrylic nails but has managed to find a level of demureness in her use of polyester blend button down blouses and skin-tight polyester pants. Visible panty line or cellulite bulges through the pants is not a problem as she still has incredible self-esteem and always rocks a matching set of lace underwear she picked up from the clearance basement at Dots. Also, she enjoys taking advantage of the privacy provided by the teller window and often sports her Chinese slippers whenever she has a chance. Que bella.

Next is the Airport Security Chonga. This is one mean bitch! She definitely never lost the weight from the first 3 kids but fortunately, this is not an issue for this particular field as the bigger the hips, the bigger the threat! The pants all appear to be painted on and clearly accentuate the FUPA by the puckering of the hip pockets. While this Chonga is much less "fina" she still maintains her acrylic nails (complete with airbrushed designs), multiple gold bracelets (featuring a myriad of "mal de ojo" charms) and thick sideburns. Your toiletries better not weigh over 3oz per bottle! Nice.

Then of course, there is the ever beloved DMV Chonga. Like her friends at Airport Security, she has a major set of sideburns and held onto all that baby weight. What makes her special is that she is phenomenal at throwing attitude and she's not afraid to rock a fake pony tail or extensions! On fancy occasions she even pastes down her sideburns into pretty little curls and makes time to wax her mustache and beard. Pretty.

Last, but certainly not least, there is my absolute favorite: The Ross Cashier Chonga! This is the most notorious of all Adult Chongas as she flaunts all her discount fashion power by forcing all of us to weight in line for up to 50 minutes each time we attempt to purchase our heavily discounted goods. She thrives on purchasing clearance goods and stashing the items that she'd like in the wrong departments so that she can buy them when her shift is over.

The finest Ross Cashier Chonga I have ever encountered was at Dolphin Mall. I was holding two pairs of shoes that totaled only $25 but were originally priced at over $150! She had no true hair where her eyebrows should've resided but instead, had finely tattooed arches complete with a sassy curve on just the right "brow". Her name was also tattooed across her neck (Regla, that's right, Regla) along with the multiple gold chains including her name once again in cursive. Regla had beautiful long locks of geri curl hair and airbrushed images of palm trees in the sunset on her nails. She spent the entire 50 minutes that I was in line counting and recounting the money in the register so that she wouldn't have to deal with any of the customers. When people approached her asking if she was going to open she replied with a, "you're going to have to stay in line because I am not available". Priceless.

The glory and magic of Chongas has inspired people for centuries. Famous characters like Chichi Rodriguez, Ricky from My So Called Life and the Dominican girl from Center Stage have all been based off our real life experiences with these amazing women. Join me next time as we discuss the Insurance Associate Chonga, Daycare Director Chonga and Elementary School Cafeteria Chonga and how they compare to the famous Cholas of the West Coast. Hollah!

Help! My Baby Stole My Personality!

First of all, I'd like to dedicate this to my sister who is about to have her first baby. Sabs, if you allow this to happen to you I will be forced to blog about your middle school haircut!

This past week I enjoyed a lovely High Tea at the Chic Chateau in downtown San Jose with my friend Eva (of loose boobie fame). The shop starts off as a clothing boutique with a cute little Tea House in the back. We each ordered flower infused green teas and sat down to freshly baked scones, puff pastries stuffed with meat and cheese, fresh fruits cut into hearts and flowers and a lovely strawberry shortcake. The setting was delightful and for a time we were the only two in the tea house...until the "mother" arrived.

I would like to state for the record that I love children and hope to have my own some day. However, there are women who completely lose their personality when they have children and put their friends through painful get togethers like the one I was about to witness. You'll notice I said personality and not identity. When you become a mom your identity changes because now you're responsible to these amazing little people, but this should in no way suck the personality out of you!

Of course, I was sitting with a perfect view of this lunchtime debacle. The "mother" had a gorgeous little girl and carried this toddler in a Bjorn instead of using a stroller. No booster seat people, and this kid could walk! She chose to sit at a table with a glass top (in case of spills) and proceeded to place a sticky plastic placemat with cartoon characters onto the baby's side of the table. This lady allowed the little girl to stand up in the chair the entire lunch (while her mother ate a crepe!) eating Cheerios and only made eye contact with her friend to catch her reaction to the baby's antics!

All her girlfriend could do was politely smile and continually repeat, "She is so cute! She's just too much!" Like a huge jerk, I completely eavesdropped on the entire conversation and there was no talk of men, work, shopping, movies, gossip, nothing! They just shared some food and commented on the baby's cuteness. The most exciting part was when this super responsible mom caught the baby mid-air before she fell out of the chair and almost hit the floor!

I was bored enough for the two of them and it took all my might to remain seated instead of sitting down with them and stirring up some actual conversation! I hardly believe that there is enough evil in that small child to have singlehandedly stolen her mother's personality, so where had it gone? She didn't even have it in her to discuss preschools and Baby Einstein!

I may be coming across as very harsh here but rightly so! When I was a kid I remember my mom getting together with her girlfriends and cracking tons of jokes while making sure I finished my lunch. So what kind of personality did this lady have before? Was she ever capable of telling a joke? Should I start a foundation to save personality-free women like this from their own demise? Perhaps a telethon? I'm up for the challenge!

Losing Your Boobs in Napa Valley

I've just returned from an amazing trip to Northern California where I visited my friend Eva and ran into many shenanigans along the way. We managed to pack San Francisco, San Jose, Sausalito and Napa Valley into just four days. Eva and I have been friends since 9th grade and have had our share of memorable situations. To give you a little background on my friend Eva (who has given me full permission to write this), she's the kind of girl who dazzles you with her smile and grace then turns around and trips over her own feet! Seriously, she's fallen flat onto her face more than twice when going up to say "Hi" to a guy and has nearly set herself on fire more than once!!

So Eva and I decided that in Napa Valley we needed to wear beautiful floral dresses to heighten our femininity and romantic dreams of the magical wine country. I chose a comfy cotton sun dress while Eva chose a silky dress with a low, strappy back which made it impossible to wear a proper bra. Enter the silicone boob stickers!

Eva pulls out this huge box with two fake boobs that adhese onto your real breasts giving them support while pushing them up into a fuller silhouette. The first thought that came into my mind was that these things look like chicken cutlets! I know many women who own a pair of these magical titties but no one, and I mean no one, has ever shared a shenanigan like this with me ever before!

We were just sitting down to a lovely picnic at the V. Sattui winery where the spread included fresh salamis, Manchego cheese, goat cheese, duck pate, ripe tomatoes, crunchy French bread and a lovely bottle of Malbec. Such a scenario is truly as perfect and picturesque as you can imagine and we were so delighted in the moment...but then Eva got a little sweaty!

We were about half way through lunch when I notice that Eva couldn't seem to keep her hands off of her boobs! In between bites she kept on adjusting and tugging and pushing on those little falsies, just desperate to make them stick. I was so amused by this I didn't even ask what she was doing but decided to allow her to divulge this information to me herself. Apparently, she was a little liberal with the lotion that morning and was sweating like a mule during our picnic. This caused Eva to face the possibility that she might lose her boobies right there in front of all the nice families and tourists!

Our walk back to the car was incredible as Eva was walking with one hand on our picnic basket and the other arm holding her cutlets in her dress! She kept on saying, "I'm so sweaty! I'm losing my boobs!" while I laughed and ridiculed her from behind (like a proper friend). I finally joined in by singing a little song about taking your "titties outta that dress!" while poking her on the "boobs" that now appeared to be large flaps of armpit fat hanging in her dress!

Eva waddled along to the car and when we finally arrived she even treated me to a little shimmy that very closely resembled Mr. Miyagi's drum in Karate Kid Part 2! When we sat down in the car she plopped her silicone contraptions down between the seats and then dropped a couple Almond Rocha into them as though they were a candy dish! At this point I began to snort!! Eva then consumed the candy between sighs of grief and insane laughter and then proceeded to hold the boobs up into the AC vents to "dry them out" so that she could place them back on!

We finished the day by hitting the movies to see Julie & Julie while consuming an entire bottle of wine that I had smuggled in via my purse. I experienced many glorious things this past weekend including views of an extremely clear San Francisco from Presidio, the Japanese Tea Gardens at Golden Gate Park, The Pika Pika store at the Japanese Mall in Japan Town (don't ask, it was amazing) and even saw a guy dressed like Michael Jackson moon walking along Highway 29 as we left Napa Valley! While all these moments will remain with me for the rest of my life nothing, and I mean nothing, will ever be as hilarious and special to me as Eva's saggy fake titties!!

Megan Fox is Completely Retarded!

Seriously, I can't spend one day without hearing something this stupid girl has said! My sisters and I decided many years ago that anyone who looks too perfect has to have some kind of secret flaw. Crapping yellow was always my favorite secret flaw (this one has yet to be confirmed) but it seems to me that the truth is all pretty people are not only stupid but immensely uninteresting.

I'm going to take you all on a magical tour of the whit and spontaneity that is Megan Fox and, of course, I'll be adding my own personal comments to her most profound quotes. What a treat!

Megan Fox on Toilet Etiquette
“I’m horrible to live with. I don’t clean. My clothes end up wherever I take them off. I forget to flush the toilet. Friends will tell me, “Megan, you totally pinched a loaf in my toilet and didn’t flush.”
- FHM, June 2007

OK, the reason her friends get so freaked out is because she probably does crap yellow!! We have evidence now people--Megan Fox pinches great big yellow loafs!

Megan Fox On Vocabulary
“I don’t want to have to be like a Scarlett Johansson – who I have nothing against, but I don’t want to have to go on talk shows and pull out every single SAT word I’ve every learned to prove, like, ‘Take me seriously, I am intelligent, I can speak.’ I don’t want to have to do that. I resent having to prove that I’m not a retard – but I do. And part of it is my own fault.”

OK, I'm starting to love this girl because of her dissatisfaction with Scarlett Johansson! However, we know she's not a real retard because she looks nothing like Rumer Willis and could never work a cash register. You also don't have to learn any SAT words if you majored in sexy-times with Brian Austin Green and an Angelina Jolie metamorphosis. Good for you Megan, you can speak...although it might be best if you stop!

Megan Fox on Boys
“Robert Pattinson and Zac – they’re just too pretty with the big hair and the suits. And Rob is, what, 22? Zac is 21? That’s a joke. Boys in their twenties are a waste of time. They have nothing to offer conversationally; they’re immature. I feel like I have a better shot with someone in his thirties.”
- Elle, June 2009

Oh, I'm so sorry Megan, are you looking for some good conversation? The best its ever going to get for you is to go make friends with Scarlett!

Megan Fox on Zac Efron
“Zac Efron is my obsession, we’re the same person. We’re not actually here, it’s like Janet and Michael Jackson. He just puts on his wig and a dress, and it’s me, and you don’t know that. It’s one of the greatest mysteries of all time.”
- GQ Man of the Year Event 2008

OK, first of all my little chonga, it's Michael and Latoya who are "secretly" the same person. Do you think Janet Jackson can hide that butt in anything without a drawstring? Other than that I might actually buy this one. Zac Efron is a little too pretty and she kind of has man shoulders. Hmmm...

Megan Fox on Simba
“Starscream is the sexiest Transformer. [Why?] ‘Cause he just is. Why is Simba [from 'The Lion King'] sexy? He just was. Maybe it was because Jonathan Taylor Thomas was the voice. I can’t tell you. It’s something I just feel.”
- Virtual Transformers Press Conference in Second Life, June 2007

What the questions asked of her here? Was she being interviewed the Sky Net Tribune? And how on earth did innocent little JTT get dragged into this one? I guess she really wants some Tool Time with her pre-teen crush. Isn't he in his 20's?

Megan Fox on Alan Alda
“I am pretty sure I am a doppelganger for Alan Alda. I’m a tranny. I’m a man. I’m so painfully insecure. I’m on the verge of vomiting now. I am so horrified that I am here, and embarrassed. I’m scared,”
– Red Carpet Golden Globes 2009

OK, this girl needs to hire a publicist immediately! WTF? Alan Alda! She sounds like she's having a Sybilesque breakdown. Run for the hills people and hide the knitting needles!

Megan Fox on Farts
“If you eat Chinese food, your farts come out like Chinese food. If you eat Mexican food, your farts come out like Mexican food. And milk, it’s like—you can smell the warmth in the fart. My wardrobe on Transformers always smells like farts, and I have no idea why.”
- GQ, October 2008

If you eat Smartees, your farts smell like smarter. If you eat Pigs in a Blanket, your farts smell like pork and fresh cotton. If you Salt-n-Vinegar chips your farts smell like douche. But if you drink Jager Bombs, your farts also smell like douche! Weird how farts work.

Megan Fox on Bisexuality
“I think people are born bisexual and the make subconscious choices based on the pressures of society. I have no question in my mind about being bisexual. But I’m also a hypocrite: I would never date a girl who is bisexual, because that means they also sleep with men, and men are so dirty that I’d never sleep with a girl who had slept with a man.”
- Esquire, June 2009

I don't blame her for pretending to be bisexual. She's just trying to invent something interesting about herself. I will point out that she inadvertently called herself a dirty whore because she sleeps with men. What a hypocrite. Wait a minute, that sounds like an SAT word to me! She totally let one slip! Oh damn!

The Most Uncomfortable Moment of my Day

Nearly every day, at some point and somewhere, I go through the uncomfortable ritual of attempting to gather my wallet, change, and receipt at a cash register. I dread those 10 seconds more than anything else in the world! Its an absolute terror when you attempt to tuck your dollars back into the wallet and you accidentally replace the cash upside down under the watchful eye of the next customer!! The change falls onto the floor and you end up shoving the receipt into your wallet in such a rush that you smear off half the type thus preventing you from being able to return your merchandise!

Why do we become so uncomfortable in that insane moment? Do we truly believe the person after us will harm us for taking so long? It just occurred to me that in all the years I've been bothered by this act I've never once been shoved to the side by another person because I took too long to gather up my belongings. People don't just come after you with a machete for taking your sweet-ass-time!

Then where does all this fear come from? I supposed the satisfaction of being able to judge all the items I'm purchasing and make assumptions about my persona are simply enough to satiate and those final moments are just their gift. Actually, that's totally my favorite game at the grocery store. My sister once saw someone buy 13 pieces of malanga and a toothbrush! What the heck was that? What, no floss? No tucks medicated wipes? Random!

I am now determined that the only way to break through this discomfort is to take an unusually longer amount of time at the check out. I can face my fear and make the others around even more uncomfortable than I am. I might actually get shoved to the side now! Nice!!

I Hate Scarlett Johansson

I never wanted this blog to be all about my disdain for celebrities but I cannot hold this one back any longer! I absolutely, positively and without a doubt hate Scarlett Johansson. She's everywhere and so unbelievably untalented yet everyone applauds her burp-like dialogue! Why does the world hate me so much?

I remember when I was in college my roommate made me watch The Horse Whisperer and I gave in due to my love of horses and Diane Wiest movies. I remember thinking that the little peg-leg girl with the duck face was pretty annoying. "She'll never have a future in films," I thought. How time has smote me with it's evil ways!! In Lost in Translation we couldn't yet tell how awful she was because Bill Murray carries the entire plot. But with a Scoop, Girl with the Peal Earring, Match Point and He's Just not into You later she's still here and people, now she's singing!!

What bothers me the most about her isn't her crazy deer-in-headlights "scary" looks but the fact that she takes herself so seriously! This girl probably walks around with more clackers than Tom Cruise and his Scientology entourage! She had the audacity to sing Tom Waitts songs and attempt to inject her monotone soul into every note. Now they're referring to her as the Jane Birkin to Pete Yorn's Serge Gainsbourg and just typing this is making me want to throw up!

And Ryan Reynolds married her!!!!! I had been a Ryan Reynolds fan since he starred as the pre-pubescent brother in Nickelodeon's Canadian Drama Fifteen and attempted to get into his sister's garage band. After his long standing engagement with Alanis Morisette he traded her in for this empty-headed baritone. He has now joined the ranks of other couples like Freddy Prinze Jr. and Sarah Michelle Gellar and Spencer and Heidi! Unacceptable!!

Now the bobble-heads on E are referring to her as Scar Jo because we didn't already have enough chonga nicknames out there for celebrities! Scar Jo sounds like the name of the floozy GI Joe character who sleeps with all the wounded soldiers in the infirmary! Wait a minute, that may be the perfect role for her! She can have a sexy blond curl that covers up the missing eye she lost in an unfortunate bet in Vietnam.

I wish she would take the high road like Keanu Reeves and focus on playing roles that are so covered in Special Effects that no one can see how untalented you really are! I imagine I'll probably blog about her again at some point as my hatred is very alive unlike the expressions on her face. Seriously, is she already using Botox or is she really that much of a bore?! Ahhhh!!

Pizza Diva and Other Random Ramblings

It has officially been declared this evening that I am a Pizza Diva!! I'm hanging out with my parents tonight and made two pizzas on whole wheat crust: chicken-onion pesto and chicken barbecue (with homemade sauce). One of my greatest passions is cooking and it's the best therapy for wiping away all the crap I've had to put up with during the day at work!

I'm sitting on the couch in the living room of my childhood and I have to say, their house is always quite an adventure. First of all, the kitchen has a junk drawer. Seriously, a drawer completely full of junk including twisty ties, tiny light bulbs, empty matchbooks, pencils missing the lead, bottle caps, bottle openers, dirty post-it pads, and programs from funeral wakes. This place really exists!

I'm convinced that my mom is afraid of a proper knife and I nearly lost a finger tonight as I "shimmied" a knife through an onion! The silverware drawer has been off its tracks for years and the popcorn machine burns the kernels! There must really be a drawer revolt in this house as the vegetable drawer in the fridge has recently joined rank!

With the exception of the Jack Lalanne Juicer, I don't believe they've bought a new appliance in years. As I write this, I'm listening to my mother give a dissertation on Car Insurance rates and how the white men eradicated the Native Americans. They also believe that due to the Obama administration we'll very possibly need to escape the USA and become refugees once again. There's a lot of yelling going on here. A lot! Oh, now she's comparing real humans to Jesus. I can't even explain any more of this to you without you calling me a liar right to my face. You can't make up this kind of crazy people. It's really happening!

The icing on the cake here is my brother and his two friends who always appear under-groomed. These guys are always filling their free time by sitting around and discussing the most random crap they can think of! I just heard them recap the entire plot of Inglorious Bastards and honestly, I kind of don't want to see the movie now. In the last minute they've quoted Mad Max, Seinfeld and Popeye! I'm related to their ring leader too so what does that say about me?

Stay tuned for a summary of my weekend adventures!

Drinking and Blogging

I have many, many random talents. This evening, while I'm drinking half a bottle of $5 wine, I'd like to share these mind-boggling skills with you:

-I have extremely warm hands (all of the time) and have been known to charge $5 to hold your hands and warm them to my own temperature! I can also use this power to gross people out when it's actually hot outside.

-I can apply makeup while driving stick shift and talking on the phone. I'm not just talking lip gloss here people. I mean a full face of foundation, concealer, powder, eye primer, eye shadow, eye liner, mascara, bronzer, blush and lipstick. That's right. I have skills!

-I can lift both eyebrows individually and stare at you in a quizzical manner. I actually had to practice this one but it's very effective.

-I am fantastic at putting together a gift basket and can create perfect bows!

-I always know when someone is shady and am constantly declaring shenanigans on people I don't trust!

-I am extremely skilled at pretending to like people I think are shady when my friends won't listen to reason and make me put up with their crap! I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!

-I can perform the "Elaine Dance" (Seinfeld) like a champ! Just ask me, I'll do it for you. :)

-I have an incredible gift for making fun of people. If you doubt me then just re-read yesterday's installment about Shnooke Rogan.

-I can sing, on demand, almost any TV theme song from the 80's. It's true. Even Mr. Belvedere!

-I can hold an entire conversation in "Movie Quote" language. All of my siblings can do this too but it's extremely rare to meet others who posses the "gift".

-I can create a victory dance at any occasion. This usually involves many James Brown foot shuffles and a lot of jerky arm movements.

-I'm excellent at assembling furniture from Ikea. My boyfriend is terrible at this but I can build a dining table like a teamster!

Here's just a few random talents that my friends and family have that might blow your minds:

-My brother-in-law, JJ, can throw his legs behind his head and light his farts on fire! Seriously, I've seen him do this a bunch of times and it creates a blue fire ball!

-My sister Sabrina and my mother can both wiggle their ears in an extremely creepy way. They stare right at you without changing the expression on their faces and wiggle away! Yikes!

-My friend Elaine can divide a bill among a table of 8 people and calculate the tip per person! She has a Masters Degree in Voice Performance so naturally, her education speaks for itself.

-My brother TJ can name every obscure actor from every bit-part in television and film ever! With TJ on my team we would definitely clean-up at the Pop Culture World Series!

I'm tired now people so enjoy these random thoughts. Stay classy and thanks for stopping by. :)

Minor "Celebrity" Sighting!

I was warned last night by my very wonderful boyfriend that a blogger was recently sued by a "Super Model" for slamming her online so please note that I will be changing the names of this "celebrity" in order to protect my ass! Last night a group of my most fabulous friends met up at Lucky Strike for a little bowling and a lot of booze when low and behold we spotted the infamous "Shnooke Rogan" (use your imagination people)!

First of all, let it be known in the open that I am very severe on my sex when it comes to style, hygiene, maintenance, etc. That being said, what a vision of Browardliness that Shnooke is!! Her platinum-straw hair was in abundance and her boobs really could've used a little more support. Also, I made an amazing discovery last night that I had never gotten a clear answer on just by watching the show--she has absolutely no ass! This is a major travesty as the poor girl already has man shoulders and no curves and could've really benefited from a pair of hips!

Her entourage was phenomenal! I've named them all as I have no idea who they are (a bunch of nobodies I guess) so please enjoy! There's Chucko, the red-headed "DJ" who was sporting an amazing set of ginger dreads under his baseball cap. Then there was No Game who was sporting a beautiful t-shirt that read "I love Oral" which I'm sure brings him tons of butter-faces. Then there was her love interest who I've named Timmy due to the extremely large cranium he was carrying around! I cannot say enough for Timmy (South Park reference) and his suave moves as he strutted around in his baggy jorts with the baseball cap he probably had custom made at Lids in Dolphin Mall (it was sitting on top of his head like a sauce pan)! The boy absolutely wreaked of failed reggaeton star and was a full head (very huge head that is) smaller than his lover!

Shnooke couldn't get enough of Timmy and yes, I have photo evidence of them making out (stay tuned for pictures)! What a classy bunch of Central Florida Escapees!! This sort of spectacle is something I would've expected from Seminole Hard Rock but not in South Beach! I also have to comment on the extreme manliness with which Shnooke handles the bowling ball and how she is constantly practicing dance moves while waiting for her ball to run back up the conveyor. Nice.

It's little unexpected treats like this that I am committed to provide to my dear friends and readers on a daily basis. I love tacky people...they make me feel so fantastic!

The Creepy Secrets of Women

My boyfriend made an amazing discovery about women a couple of weeks ago. We were getting ready to go to the Fountainbleau and I went into the bathroom to do some "touch-up shaving" when he walked in on me shaving the hairs on my big toe!

OK, to set any men straight who may be reading this blog, ALL WOMEN HAVE TOE HAIRS. All of them...well, probably not Asian women. But the rest of the women in the world have toe hairs and a small patch of hair on the top of the foot. This is hair that we either deal with by waxing or shaving as no one wants to have caveman feet. My boyfriend was completely appalled by this and kept on asking me why I was committing this act. Uh, hello, I have toe hairs!!!

I've personally been shaving these toe hairs since high school and feel no shame in it. What I find to be more shameful is when a woman in dares to wear sandals without landscaping her metatarsals! We live in South Beach people, not Portland (sorry Sabs) and there are a few items that are completely unacceptable: an overabundance of female body hair, anything by Ed Hardy and fake bake. Actually, I can come up with quite a tall list of unacceptable items but this is just the start.

Needless to say, I still have a boyfriend and I still maintain my toe hairs with great diligence. Stay tuned for my next Creepy Secrets of Women where I discuss Spanks and ineffective cellulite creams. :)

Have you ever...

Have you ever been at a Chilis and wanted to pull the hostess with the bad bleach-job and Bump-It (As Seen on TV Hair volumizing Insert) aside and give her a quick makeover in the bathroom? Have you ever stopped the gayest man you could ever find on Lincoln Road so that you could pet his Chinese Crested and talk about doggie baby-talk? Have you and your friends ever done some day drinking and then gone on a crazy spending binge at Forever 21? Have you ever attempted to re-create any of the challenges on Top Chef only to end up using the theme as a loose outline for something completely different?

If you are guilty of any of the above mentioned items or have always wanted to do so then you and I definitely need to hang out! This blog is about the life of a young woman just coming into her 30's and living in fabulous South Beach! I've recently decided that I'm going to recapture some of the dreams I had in my early 20's (before I started earning money) and find the perfect balance between being responsible and living life to my fullest!

I love to talk so please feel free to dialogue with me and send comments on all my rants. I could seriously go on forever but I'm tired and I can't waste all my material on you just yet!

--Rosy