I've just returned from an amazing trip to Northern California where I visited my friend Eva and ran into many shenanigans along the way. We managed to pack San Francisco, San Jose, Sausalito and Napa Valley into just four days. Eva and I have been friends since 9th grade and have had our share of memorable situations. To give you a little background on my friend Eva (who has given me full permission to write this), she's the kind of girl who dazzles you with her smile and grace then turns around and trips over her own feet! Seriously, she's fallen flat onto her face more than twice when going up to say "Hi" to a guy and has nearly set herself on fire more than once!!
So Eva and I decided that in Napa Valley we needed to wear beautiful floral dresses to heighten our femininity and romantic dreams of the magical wine country. I chose a comfy cotton sun dress while Eva chose a silky dress with a low, strappy back which made it impossible to wear a proper bra. Enter the silicone boob stickers!
Eva pulls out this huge box with two fake boobs that adhese onto your real breasts giving them support while pushing them up into a fuller silhouette. The first thought that came into my mind was that these things look like chicken cutlets! I know many women who own a pair of these magical titties but no one, and I mean no one, has ever shared a shenanigan like this with me ever before!
We were just sitting down to a lovely picnic at the V. Sattui winery where the spread included fresh salamis, Manchego cheese, goat cheese, duck pate, ripe tomatoes, crunchy French bread and a lovely bottle of Malbec. Such a scenario is truly as perfect and picturesque as you can imagine and we were so delighted in the moment...but then Eva got a little sweaty!
We were about half way through lunch when I notice that Eva couldn't seem to keep her hands off of her boobs! In between bites she kept on adjusting and tugging and pushing on those little falsies, just desperate to make them stick. I was so amused by this I didn't even ask what she was doing but decided to allow her to divulge this information to me herself. Apparently, she was a little liberal with the lotion that morning and was sweating like a mule during our picnic. This caused Eva to face the possibility that she might lose her boobies right there in front of all the nice families and tourists!
Our walk back to the car was incredible as Eva was walking with one hand on our picnic basket and the other arm holding her cutlets in her dress! She kept on saying, "I'm so sweaty! I'm losing my boobs!" while I laughed and ridiculed her from behind (like a proper friend). I finally joined in by singing a little song about taking your "titties outta that dress!" while poking her on the "boobs" that now appeared to be large flaps of armpit fat hanging in her dress!
Eva waddled along to the car and when we finally arrived she even treated me to a little shimmy that very closely resembled Mr. Miyagi's drum in Karate Kid Part 2! When we sat down in the car she plopped her silicone contraptions down between the seats and then dropped a couple Almond Rocha into them as though they were a candy dish! At this point I began to snort!! Eva then consumed the candy between sighs of grief and insane laughter and then proceeded to hold the boobs up into the AC vents to "dry them out" so that she could place them back on!
We finished the day by hitting the movies to see Julie & Julie while consuming an entire bottle of wine that I had smuggled in via my purse. I experienced many glorious things this past weekend including views of an extremely clear San Francisco from Presidio, the Japanese Tea Gardens at Golden Gate Park, The Pika Pika store at the Japanese Mall in Japan Town (don't ask, it was amazing) and even saw a guy dressed like Michael Jackson moon walking along Highway 29 as we left Napa Valley! While all these moments will remain with me for the rest of my life nothing, and I mean nothing, will ever be as hilarious and special to me as Eva's saggy fake titties!!
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