The Chongas of our Lives

Every now and then, we get treated to little remnants of Chonga through the fashions we see on the streets. Miami is full of what I refer to as "Grown-up Chongas" who've come to find some sort of career yet have managed to cling to the fashions of their youth. Places like Miami International Airport, Mansion or Space nightclubs, any store on NW 20th and 20th, and of course, Dolphin Mall are filled to the brim with adult Chongas dressed to the 9's in what they feel are acceptable interpretations of womanly attire.

Let us take a moment now to analyze the different types of Adult Chongas and the careers available to them in South Florida. I'd like to warn you that I have no intention of being politically correct in this blog and am very certain that all of us have at least one Chonga in our family to compare this to.

There's the Bank Teller Chonga. She still rocks her "Sharpie Lip Liner" and major acrylic nails but has managed to find a level of demureness in her use of polyester blend button down blouses and skin-tight polyester pants. Visible panty line or cellulite bulges through the pants is not a problem as she still has incredible self-esteem and always rocks a matching set of lace underwear she picked up from the clearance basement at Dots. Also, she enjoys taking advantage of the privacy provided by the teller window and often sports her Chinese slippers whenever she has a chance. Que bella.

Next is the Airport Security Chonga. This is one mean bitch! She definitely never lost the weight from the first 3 kids but fortunately, this is not an issue for this particular field as the bigger the hips, the bigger the threat! The pants all appear to be painted on and clearly accentuate the FUPA by the puckering of the hip pockets. While this Chonga is much less "fina" she still maintains her acrylic nails (complete with airbrushed designs), multiple gold bracelets (featuring a myriad of "mal de ojo" charms) and thick sideburns. Your toiletries better not weigh over 3oz per bottle! Nice.

Then of course, there is the ever beloved DMV Chonga. Like her friends at Airport Security, she has a major set of sideburns and held onto all that baby weight. What makes her special is that she is phenomenal at throwing attitude and she's not afraid to rock a fake pony tail or extensions! On fancy occasions she even pastes down her sideburns into pretty little curls and makes time to wax her mustache and beard. Pretty.

Last, but certainly not least, there is my absolute favorite: The Ross Cashier Chonga! This is the most notorious of all Adult Chongas as she flaunts all her discount fashion power by forcing all of us to weight in line for up to 50 minutes each time we attempt to purchase our heavily discounted goods. She thrives on purchasing clearance goods and stashing the items that she'd like in the wrong departments so that she can buy them when her shift is over.

The finest Ross Cashier Chonga I have ever encountered was at Dolphin Mall. I was holding two pairs of shoes that totaled only $25 but were originally priced at over $150! She had no true hair where her eyebrows should've resided but instead, had finely tattooed arches complete with a sassy curve on just the right "brow". Her name was also tattooed across her neck (Regla, that's right, Regla) along with the multiple gold chains including her name once again in cursive. Regla had beautiful long locks of geri curl hair and airbrushed images of palm trees in the sunset on her nails. She spent the entire 50 minutes that I was in line counting and recounting the money in the register so that she wouldn't have to deal with any of the customers. When people approached her asking if she was going to open she replied with a, "you're going to have to stay in line because I am not available". Priceless.

The glory and magic of Chongas has inspired people for centuries. Famous characters like Chichi Rodriguez, Ricky from My So Called Life and the Dominican girl from Center Stage have all been based off our real life experiences with these amazing women. Join me next time as we discuss the Insurance Associate Chonga, Daycare Director Chonga and Elementary School Cafeteria Chonga and how they compare to the famous Cholas of the West Coast. Hollah!