The Art of Hiding Fatness

First of all, I'd like to apologize for the delay in this entry. I have neglected my readers for far too long and am committed to make this up to you and will start with a subject that's near and dear to my heart: hiding the fatty parts on my body!

I've recently recovered from a terrible cold and have been dealing with kidney stones for the last month. Super attractive. As a result, my workout regime has suffered greatly and even though my lovely boyfriend swears I'm thin (bless him), I know where the fat has begun to lurk. On just the edge of my belly, the upper part of my hips and the inside of my thighs! How does the fat know how to sneak in on me like this? Its as though the fat is growing smarter and smarter as I age and eventually, I will be overcome by it's powers!

I'm walking in a wedding in November and recently discovered that I now appear to have a tiny ponch in the bridesmaid dress and am faced with two options: get back to my summer shape or breakdown and buy a compression undergarment, better known as "una faja"!

As a young girl we all grew up watching our mothers pour themselves into these contraptions as they prepared themselves to attend a wedding, baptism or Quince. As grown Hispanic women, we tend to give in one by one and begin purchasing Spanks in order to keep our ghetto booties under control. I have yet to wear Spanks but have been known to dabble in control-top tights from time to time. I never have VPL (if you don't know what this is just ask your gay friends to smack you and explain) and strongly believe in lace strapped undies to prevent the creation of Muffin Top. But, this prospect of having to shop alongside the abuelas in some kind of specialty store are extremely frightening and as a result, I've begun working out like mad!

Before closing this installment I'd like to give some attention to the two greatest offenses women commit on a daily basis: VPL and Muffin Top. Ladies, I don't care what shape, size, age or weight you are, there is always a way to avoid these catastrophes! It is completely unacceptable to commit these crimes and not hate yourself! If you're wearing leggings you have no right to wear a bikini brief! No right at all! You have to either embrace the thong or spend the cash on those seamless boy shorts. VPL sends the message that you just don't care about your appearance or about creating the ilusion of the "double ass". Take a little pride in being a woman and purchase the proper undergarments. You have no right!!

Now, Muffin Top is a phenomena that can pop up in many different forms. There is traditional muffin top which is honestly most common in girls with no ass. Seriously. Its a fact that if you have a big butt the denim gets pulled into another direction and you are 30% less likely to have Muffin Top. Hooray!

Upper Arm Muffin Top occurs when you wear a size Small cap sleeve blouse from Forever 21 when you know you belong in a Medium. Stop lying to yourself! Large breasted women can have Boob Muffin Top when they're wearing an old bra from high school (you know who you are) and it is nearly impossible to hide in any kind of blouse. Twin Peaks people! My friend Gise recently found that if you buy a very tight knee brace you end up running around Miami Beach with Knee Muffin Top! Watch out for her knee overlap if you're running with her!

At some point, I will have no choice and will embrace the likes of Spanks and Fajas but for now, I'd rather invest my money into a personal trainer instead of purchasing an array of double Lycra compression garments. So if you see Gise and I running around with her "Top of the Muffin to Ya" knee, throw us a waive and wish me luck!