The Chongas Live On

Alright people, you asked for it and I'm a servant to my readers! Let us further discuss the different types of Chongas we encounter on a daily basis here in Greater Miami.

Since my last entry I had the rare opportunity to have a one on one conversation with the famous Medical Assistant Chonga! This exotic gem of a Chonga gives her scrubs a daily challenge by pouring her huge silicone breasts into the tight, un-giving fabric. The only thing keeping her from wearing the famous Chinese slippers is the opportunity to work her black Nikes with pom-pom ankle socks every day! Que comodo! She usually has a messy ponytail and forgets to wear makeup but her nails are incredible and she calls everyone "mama". Yuneicy, the Chonga I came into contact with this week, is in charge of collecting urine samples from the bathroom before they get picked up by the lab. She also only spoke to me in Spanish even though I replied in English every time. Super amazing.

Next we have the Insurance Associate Chonga. I say Associate because this Chonga doesn't want the responsibility of being an actual Agent. However, she definitely feels she runs the place and manages to man-handle all the customers! In her younger years she dreamed of being a hair salon Chonga because she enjoys stripping the color of her hair and experimenting with her eyebrow shape but the Insurance Agency paid more which enabled her to get her eyebrows tattooed on permanently. She takes cigarette breaks every hour and loves to wear over sized polo shirts she shares with her macho. This Chonga is also extra unique as she really enjoys plastic jewelry bought from Valsan and leaves her hair curly all the time! Que mona.

The Cuban Bakery Chonga is one of my favorites as I have encountered them more than any other Chonga in my life! I want to use Maritza from Las Palmas as an example of this brand of Chonga as her churros and cafe con leche have inspired an entire generation. This Chonga enjoys being very "matchy-matchy" with her outfits and finds coordinating scrunchies (that's right, she still wears them), jewelry (all plastic or color dipped, of course), eye shadow, sneakers and nail polish all based on the color of her work uniform. In the case of Maritza, she matches everything to the Green Polo Shirt that is part of her Las Palmas uniform! Her favorite catch phrases are "mi cielo", "amorcito" and "pase lo que pase" and she hasn't changed the oil in the fryer ever. Long live Maritza!

Finally, we have the paradox of the I Just Found Religion Chonga vs the Born Again Chonga. The reason for the specificity is the I Just Found Religion Chonga really has found religion (usually either Catholic, Jehova's Wittness or if Protestant she prefers Pentecostal) while the Born Again Chonga is just that--a Chonga who has regained her Chonga roots.

The I Just Found Religion Chonga loves French Braids, scrunchies, floral button-down blouses and very tacky Bible carriers. She also enjoys buttons and big earrings that are accentuated by her use of the French Braid. She is constantly talking about God's work in her life and loves to pray for everyone yet can't let go of sayings like "bro", "requete fresh" or "lo que esta pa ti". She means well and is an excellent person to have in your corner because, after all, she's still Chonga at heart and will chew out anybody that disrespects her girl! Dale socia!

The Born Again Chonga is phenomenal because she manages to take the horror of a breakup or divorce and turn it into an opportunity to get all Chonga again! She frequents the Faja Store for compression undergarments and is a huge fan of the fake hair piece and under-the-eye liner. This jeva enjoys haunts such as Kaffe Krystal or Azucar and throws down the keys of her previously owned Lexus while Cougaring on the weekends. She is truly an inspiration to us all.

I don't know how many more Chongas I have in me but as long as you all have a need, I will continue to research and record each variety of Chonga known to man. Hollah!

The Chongas of our Lives

Every now and then, we get treated to little remnants of Chonga through the fashions we see on the streets. Miami is full of what I refer to as "Grown-up Chongas" who've come to find some sort of career yet have managed to cling to the fashions of their youth. Places like Miami International Airport, Mansion or Space nightclubs, any store on NW 20th and 20th, and of course, Dolphin Mall are filled to the brim with adult Chongas dressed to the 9's in what they feel are acceptable interpretations of womanly attire.

Let us take a moment now to analyze the different types of Adult Chongas and the careers available to them in South Florida. I'd like to warn you that I have no intention of being politically correct in this blog and am very certain that all of us have at least one Chonga in our family to compare this to.

There's the Bank Teller Chonga. She still rocks her "Sharpie Lip Liner" and major acrylic nails but has managed to find a level of demureness in her use of polyester blend button down blouses and skin-tight polyester pants. Visible panty line or cellulite bulges through the pants is not a problem as she still has incredible self-esteem and always rocks a matching set of lace underwear she picked up from the clearance basement at Dots. Also, she enjoys taking advantage of the privacy provided by the teller window and often sports her Chinese slippers whenever she has a chance. Que bella.

Next is the Airport Security Chonga. This is one mean bitch! She definitely never lost the weight from the first 3 kids but fortunately, this is not an issue for this particular field as the bigger the hips, the bigger the threat! The pants all appear to be painted on and clearly accentuate the FUPA by the puckering of the hip pockets. While this Chonga is much less "fina" she still maintains her acrylic nails (complete with airbrushed designs), multiple gold bracelets (featuring a myriad of "mal de ojo" charms) and thick sideburns. Your toiletries better not weigh over 3oz per bottle! Nice.

Then of course, there is the ever beloved DMV Chonga. Like her friends at Airport Security, she has a major set of sideburns and held onto all that baby weight. What makes her special is that she is phenomenal at throwing attitude and she's not afraid to rock a fake pony tail or extensions! On fancy occasions she even pastes down her sideburns into pretty little curls and makes time to wax her mustache and beard. Pretty.

Last, but certainly not least, there is my absolute favorite: The Ross Cashier Chonga! This is the most notorious of all Adult Chongas as she flaunts all her discount fashion power by forcing all of us to weight in line for up to 50 minutes each time we attempt to purchase our heavily discounted goods. She thrives on purchasing clearance goods and stashing the items that she'd like in the wrong departments so that she can buy them when her shift is over.

The finest Ross Cashier Chonga I have ever encountered was at Dolphin Mall. I was holding two pairs of shoes that totaled only $25 but were originally priced at over $150! She had no true hair where her eyebrows should've resided but instead, had finely tattooed arches complete with a sassy curve on just the right "brow". Her name was also tattooed across her neck (Regla, that's right, Regla) along with the multiple gold chains including her name once again in cursive. Regla had beautiful long locks of geri curl hair and airbrushed images of palm trees in the sunset on her nails. She spent the entire 50 minutes that I was in line counting and recounting the money in the register so that she wouldn't have to deal with any of the customers. When people approached her asking if she was going to open she replied with a, "you're going to have to stay in line because I am not available". Priceless.

The glory and magic of Chongas has inspired people for centuries. Famous characters like Chichi Rodriguez, Ricky from My So Called Life and the Dominican girl from Center Stage have all been based off our real life experiences with these amazing women. Join me next time as we discuss the Insurance Associate Chonga, Daycare Director Chonga and Elementary School Cafeteria Chonga and how they compare to the famous Cholas of the West Coast. Hollah!

Help! My Baby Stole My Personality!

First of all, I'd like to dedicate this to my sister who is about to have her first baby. Sabs, if you allow this to happen to you I will be forced to blog about your middle school haircut!

This past week I enjoyed a lovely High Tea at the Chic Chateau in downtown San Jose with my friend Eva (of loose boobie fame). The shop starts off as a clothing boutique with a cute little Tea House in the back. We each ordered flower infused green teas and sat down to freshly baked scones, puff pastries stuffed with meat and cheese, fresh fruits cut into hearts and flowers and a lovely strawberry shortcake. The setting was delightful and for a time we were the only two in the tea house...until the "mother" arrived.

I would like to state for the record that I love children and hope to have my own some day. However, there are women who completely lose their personality when they have children and put their friends through painful get togethers like the one I was about to witness. You'll notice I said personality and not identity. When you become a mom your identity changes because now you're responsible to these amazing little people, but this should in no way suck the personality out of you!

Of course, I was sitting with a perfect view of this lunchtime debacle. The "mother" had a gorgeous little girl and carried this toddler in a Bjorn instead of using a stroller. No booster seat people, and this kid could walk! She chose to sit at a table with a glass top (in case of spills) and proceeded to place a sticky plastic placemat with cartoon characters onto the baby's side of the table. This lady allowed the little girl to stand up in the chair the entire lunch (while her mother ate a crepe!) eating Cheerios and only made eye contact with her friend to catch her reaction to the baby's antics!

All her girlfriend could do was politely smile and continually repeat, "She is so cute! She's just too much!" Like a huge jerk, I completely eavesdropped on the entire conversation and there was no talk of men, work, shopping, movies, gossip, nothing! They just shared some food and commented on the baby's cuteness. The most exciting part was when this super responsible mom caught the baby mid-air before she fell out of the chair and almost hit the floor!

I was bored enough for the two of them and it took all my might to remain seated instead of sitting down with them and stirring up some actual conversation! I hardly believe that there is enough evil in that small child to have singlehandedly stolen her mother's personality, so where had it gone? She didn't even have it in her to discuss preschools and Baby Einstein!

I may be coming across as very harsh here but rightly so! When I was a kid I remember my mom getting together with her girlfriends and cracking tons of jokes while making sure I finished my lunch. So what kind of personality did this lady have before? Was she ever capable of telling a joke? Should I start a foundation to save personality-free women like this from their own demise? Perhaps a telethon? I'm up for the challenge!

Losing Your Boobs in Napa Valley

I've just returned from an amazing trip to Northern California where I visited my friend Eva and ran into many shenanigans along the way. We managed to pack San Francisco, San Jose, Sausalito and Napa Valley into just four days. Eva and I have been friends since 9th grade and have had our share of memorable situations. To give you a little background on my friend Eva (who has given me full permission to write this), she's the kind of girl who dazzles you with her smile and grace then turns around and trips over her own feet! Seriously, she's fallen flat onto her face more than twice when going up to say "Hi" to a guy and has nearly set herself on fire more than once!!

So Eva and I decided that in Napa Valley we needed to wear beautiful floral dresses to heighten our femininity and romantic dreams of the magical wine country. I chose a comfy cotton sun dress while Eva chose a silky dress with a low, strappy back which made it impossible to wear a proper bra. Enter the silicone boob stickers!

Eva pulls out this huge box with two fake boobs that adhese onto your real breasts giving them support while pushing them up into a fuller silhouette. The first thought that came into my mind was that these things look like chicken cutlets! I know many women who own a pair of these magical titties but no one, and I mean no one, has ever shared a shenanigan like this with me ever before!

We were just sitting down to a lovely picnic at the V. Sattui winery where the spread included fresh salamis, Manchego cheese, goat cheese, duck pate, ripe tomatoes, crunchy French bread and a lovely bottle of Malbec. Such a scenario is truly as perfect and picturesque as you can imagine and we were so delighted in the moment...but then Eva got a little sweaty!

We were about half way through lunch when I notice that Eva couldn't seem to keep her hands off of her boobs! In between bites she kept on adjusting and tugging and pushing on those little falsies, just desperate to make them stick. I was so amused by this I didn't even ask what she was doing but decided to allow her to divulge this information to me herself. Apparently, she was a little liberal with the lotion that morning and was sweating like a mule during our picnic. This caused Eva to face the possibility that she might lose her boobies right there in front of all the nice families and tourists!

Our walk back to the car was incredible as Eva was walking with one hand on our picnic basket and the other arm holding her cutlets in her dress! She kept on saying, "I'm so sweaty! I'm losing my boobs!" while I laughed and ridiculed her from behind (like a proper friend). I finally joined in by singing a little song about taking your "titties outta that dress!" while poking her on the "boobs" that now appeared to be large flaps of armpit fat hanging in her dress!

Eva waddled along to the car and when we finally arrived she even treated me to a little shimmy that very closely resembled Mr. Miyagi's drum in Karate Kid Part 2! When we sat down in the car she plopped her silicone contraptions down between the seats and then dropped a couple Almond Rocha into them as though they were a candy dish! At this point I began to snort!! Eva then consumed the candy between sighs of grief and insane laughter and then proceeded to hold the boobs up into the AC vents to "dry them out" so that she could place them back on!

We finished the day by hitting the movies to see Julie & Julie while consuming an entire bottle of wine that I had smuggled in via my purse. I experienced many glorious things this past weekend including views of an extremely clear San Francisco from Presidio, the Japanese Tea Gardens at Golden Gate Park, The Pika Pika store at the Japanese Mall in Japan Town (don't ask, it was amazing) and even saw a guy dressed like Michael Jackson moon walking along Highway 29 as we left Napa Valley! While all these moments will remain with me for the rest of my life nothing, and I mean nothing, will ever be as hilarious and special to me as Eva's saggy fake titties!!

Megan Fox is Completely Retarded!

Seriously, I can't spend one day without hearing something this stupid girl has said! My sisters and I decided many years ago that anyone who looks too perfect has to have some kind of secret flaw. Crapping yellow was always my favorite secret flaw (this one has yet to be confirmed) but it seems to me that the truth is all pretty people are not only stupid but immensely uninteresting.

I'm going to take you all on a magical tour of the whit and spontaneity that is Megan Fox and, of course, I'll be adding my own personal comments to her most profound quotes. What a treat!

Megan Fox on Toilet Etiquette
“I’m horrible to live with. I don’t clean. My clothes end up wherever I take them off. I forget to flush the toilet. Friends will tell me, “Megan, you totally pinched a loaf in my toilet and didn’t flush.”
- FHM, June 2007

OK, the reason her friends get so freaked out is because she probably does crap yellow!! We have evidence now people--Megan Fox pinches great big yellow loafs!

Megan Fox On Vocabulary
“I don’t want to have to be like a Scarlett Johansson – who I have nothing against, but I don’t want to have to go on talk shows and pull out every single SAT word I’ve every learned to prove, like, ‘Take me seriously, I am intelligent, I can speak.’ I don’t want to have to do that. I resent having to prove that I’m not a retard – but I do. And part of it is my own fault.”

OK, I'm starting to love this girl because of her dissatisfaction with Scarlett Johansson! However, we know she's not a real retard because she looks nothing like Rumer Willis and could never work a cash register. You also don't have to learn any SAT words if you majored in sexy-times with Brian Austin Green and an Angelina Jolie metamorphosis. Good for you Megan, you can speak...although it might be best if you stop!

Megan Fox on Boys
“Robert Pattinson and Zac – they’re just too pretty with the big hair and the suits. And Rob is, what, 22? Zac is 21? That’s a joke. Boys in their twenties are a waste of time. They have nothing to offer conversationally; they’re immature. I feel like I have a better shot with someone in his thirties.”
- Elle, June 2009

Oh, I'm so sorry Megan, are you looking for some good conversation? The best its ever going to get for you is to go make friends with Scarlett!

Megan Fox on Zac Efron
“Zac Efron is my obsession, we’re the same person. We’re not actually here, it’s like Janet and Michael Jackson. He just puts on his wig and a dress, and it’s me, and you don’t know that. It’s one of the greatest mysteries of all time.”
- GQ Man of the Year Event 2008

OK, first of all my little chonga, it's Michael and Latoya who are "secretly" the same person. Do you think Janet Jackson can hide that butt in anything without a drawstring? Other than that I might actually buy this one. Zac Efron is a little too pretty and she kind of has man shoulders. Hmmm...

Megan Fox on Simba
“Starscream is the sexiest Transformer. [Why?] ‘Cause he just is. Why is Simba [from 'The Lion King'] sexy? He just was. Maybe it was because Jonathan Taylor Thomas was the voice. I can’t tell you. It’s something I just feel.”
- Virtual Transformers Press Conference in Second Life, June 2007

What the questions asked of her here? Was she being interviewed the Sky Net Tribune? And how on earth did innocent little JTT get dragged into this one? I guess she really wants some Tool Time with her pre-teen crush. Isn't he in his 20's?

Megan Fox on Alan Alda
“I am pretty sure I am a doppelganger for Alan Alda. I’m a tranny. I’m a man. I’m so painfully insecure. I’m on the verge of vomiting now. I am so horrified that I am here, and embarrassed. I’m scared,”
– Red Carpet Golden Globes 2009

OK, this girl needs to hire a publicist immediately! WTF? Alan Alda! She sounds like she's having a Sybilesque breakdown. Run for the hills people and hide the knitting needles!

Megan Fox on Farts
“If you eat Chinese food, your farts come out like Chinese food. If you eat Mexican food, your farts come out like Mexican food. And milk, it’s like—you can smell the warmth in the fart. My wardrobe on Transformers always smells like farts, and I have no idea why.”
- GQ, October 2008

If you eat Smartees, your farts smell like smarter. If you eat Pigs in a Blanket, your farts smell like pork and fresh cotton. If you Salt-n-Vinegar chips your farts smell like douche. But if you drink Jager Bombs, your farts also smell like douche! Weird how farts work.

Megan Fox on Bisexuality
“I think people are born bisexual and the make subconscious choices based on the pressures of society. I have no question in my mind about being bisexual. But I’m also a hypocrite: I would never date a girl who is bisexual, because that means they also sleep with men, and men are so dirty that I’d never sleep with a girl who had slept with a man.”
- Esquire, June 2009

I don't blame her for pretending to be bisexual. She's just trying to invent something interesting about herself. I will point out that she inadvertently called herself a dirty whore because she sleeps with men. What a hypocrite. Wait a minute, that sounds like an SAT word to me! She totally let one slip! Oh damn!

The Most Uncomfortable Moment of my Day

Nearly every day, at some point and somewhere, I go through the uncomfortable ritual of attempting to gather my wallet, change, and receipt at a cash register. I dread those 10 seconds more than anything else in the world! Its an absolute terror when you attempt to tuck your dollars back into the wallet and you accidentally replace the cash upside down under the watchful eye of the next customer!! The change falls onto the floor and you end up shoving the receipt into your wallet in such a rush that you smear off half the type thus preventing you from being able to return your merchandise!

Why do we become so uncomfortable in that insane moment? Do we truly believe the person after us will harm us for taking so long? It just occurred to me that in all the years I've been bothered by this act I've never once been shoved to the side by another person because I took too long to gather up my belongings. People don't just come after you with a machete for taking your sweet-ass-time!

Then where does all this fear come from? I supposed the satisfaction of being able to judge all the items I'm purchasing and make assumptions about my persona are simply enough to satiate and those final moments are just their gift. Actually, that's totally my favorite game at the grocery store. My sister once saw someone buy 13 pieces of malanga and a toothbrush! What the heck was that? What, no floss? No tucks medicated wipes? Random!

I am now determined that the only way to break through this discomfort is to take an unusually longer amount of time at the check out. I can face my fear and make the others around even more uncomfortable than I am. I might actually get shoved to the side now! Nice!!