I never wanted this blog to be all about my disdain for celebrities but I cannot hold this one back any longer! I absolutely, positively and without a doubt hate Scarlett Johansson. She's everywhere and so unbelievably untalented yet everyone applauds her burp-like dialogue! Why does the world hate me so much?
I remember when I was in college my roommate made me watch The Horse Whisperer and I gave in due to my love of horses and Diane Wiest movies. I remember thinking that the little peg-leg girl with the duck face was pretty annoying. "She'll never have a future in films," I thought. How time has smote me with it's evil ways!! In Lost in Translation we couldn't yet tell how awful she was because Bill Murray carries the entire plot. But with a Scoop, Girl with the Peal Earring, Match Point and He's Just not into You later she's still here and people, now she's singing!!
What bothers me the most about her isn't her crazy deer-in-headlights "scary" looks but the fact that she takes herself so seriously! This girl probably walks around with more clackers than Tom Cruise and his Scientology entourage! She had the audacity to sing Tom Waitts songs and attempt to inject her monotone soul into every note. Now they're referring to her as the Jane Birkin to Pete Yorn's Serge Gainsbourg and just typing this is making me want to throw up!
And Ryan Reynolds married her!!!!! I had been a Ryan Reynolds fan since he starred as the pre-pubescent brother in Nickelodeon's Canadian Drama Fifteen and attempted to get into his sister's garage band. After his long standing engagement with Alanis Morisette he traded her in for this empty-headed baritone. He has now joined the ranks of other couples like Freddy Prinze Jr. and Sarah Michelle Gellar and Spencer and Heidi! Unacceptable!!
Now the bobble-heads on E are referring to her as Scar Jo because we didn't already have enough chonga nicknames out there for celebrities! Scar Jo sounds like the name of the floozy GI Joe character who sleeps with all the wounded soldiers in the infirmary! Wait a minute, that may be the perfect role for her! She can have a sexy blond curl that covers up the missing eye she lost in an unfortunate bet in Vietnam.
I wish she would take the high road like Keanu Reeves and focus on playing roles that are so covered in Special Effects that no one can see how untalented you really are! I imagine I'll probably blog about her again at some point as my hatred is very alive unlike the expressions on her face. Seriously, is she already using Botox or is she really that much of a bore?! Ahhhh!!
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Friday, August 28, 2009
Pizza Diva and Other Random Ramblings
It has officially been declared this evening that I am a Pizza Diva!! I'm hanging out with my parents tonight and made two pizzas on whole wheat crust: chicken-onion pesto and chicken barbecue (with homemade sauce). One of my greatest passions is cooking and it's the best therapy for wiping away all the crap I've had to put up with during the day at work!
I'm sitting on the couch in the living room of my childhood and I have to say, their house is always quite an adventure. First of all, the kitchen has a junk drawer. Seriously, a drawer completely full of junk including twisty ties, tiny light bulbs, empty matchbooks, pencils missing the lead, bottle caps, bottle openers, dirty post-it pads, and programs from funeral wakes. This place really exists!
I'm convinced that my mom is afraid of a proper knife and I nearly lost a finger tonight as I "shimmied" a knife through an onion! The silverware drawer has been off its tracks for years and the popcorn machine burns the kernels! There must really be a drawer revolt in this house as the vegetable drawer in the fridge has recently joined rank!
With the exception of the Jack Lalanne Juicer, I don't believe they've bought a new appliance in years. As I write this, I'm listening to my mother give a dissertation on Car Insurance rates and how the white men eradicated the Native Americans. They also believe that due to the Obama administration we'll very possibly need to escape the USA and become refugees once again. There's a lot of yelling going on here. A lot! Oh, now she's comparing real humans to Jesus. I can't even explain any more of this to you without you calling me a liar right to my face. You can't make up this kind of crazy people. It's really happening!
The icing on the cake here is my brother and his two friends who always appear under-groomed. These guys are always filling their free time by sitting around and discussing the most random crap they can think of! I just heard them recap the entire plot of Inglorious Bastards and honestly, I kind of don't want to see the movie now. In the last minute they've quoted Mad Max, Seinfeld and Popeye! I'm related to their ring leader too so what does that say about me?
Stay tuned for a summary of my weekend adventures!
I'm sitting on the couch in the living room of my childhood and I have to say, their house is always quite an adventure. First of all, the kitchen has a junk drawer. Seriously, a drawer completely full of junk including twisty ties, tiny light bulbs, empty matchbooks, pencils missing the lead, bottle caps, bottle openers, dirty post-it pads, and programs from funeral wakes. This place really exists!
I'm convinced that my mom is afraid of a proper knife and I nearly lost a finger tonight as I "shimmied" a knife through an onion! The silverware drawer has been off its tracks for years and the popcorn machine burns the kernels! There must really be a drawer revolt in this house as the vegetable drawer in the fridge has recently joined rank!
With the exception of the Jack Lalanne Juicer, I don't believe they've bought a new appliance in years. As I write this, I'm listening to my mother give a dissertation on Car Insurance rates and how the white men eradicated the Native Americans. They also believe that due to the Obama administration we'll very possibly need to escape the USA and become refugees once again. There's a lot of yelling going on here. A lot! Oh, now she's comparing real humans to Jesus. I can't even explain any more of this to you without you calling me a liar right to my face. You can't make up this kind of crazy people. It's really happening!
The icing on the cake here is my brother and his two friends who always appear under-groomed. These guys are always filling their free time by sitting around and discussing the most random crap they can think of! I just heard them recap the entire plot of Inglorious Bastards and honestly, I kind of don't want to see the movie now. In the last minute they've quoted Mad Max, Seinfeld and Popeye! I'm related to their ring leader too so what does that say about me?
Stay tuned for a summary of my weekend adventures!
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Drinking and Blogging
I have many, many random talents. This evening, while I'm drinking half a bottle of $5 wine, I'd like to share these mind-boggling skills with you:
-I have extremely warm hands (all of the time) and have been known to charge $5 to hold your hands and warm them to my own temperature! I can also use this power to gross people out when it's actually hot outside.
-I can apply makeup while driving stick shift and talking on the phone. I'm not just talking lip gloss here people. I mean a full face of foundation, concealer, powder, eye primer, eye shadow, eye liner, mascara, bronzer, blush and lipstick. That's right. I have skills!
-I can lift both eyebrows individually and stare at you in a quizzical manner. I actually had to practice this one but it's very effective.
-I am fantastic at putting together a gift basket and can create perfect bows!
-I always know when someone is shady and am constantly declaring shenanigans on people I don't trust!
-I am extremely skilled at pretending to like people I think are shady when my friends won't listen to reason and make me put up with their crap! I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!
-I can perform the "Elaine Dance" (Seinfeld) like a champ! Just ask me, I'll do it for you. :)
-I have an incredible gift for making fun of people. If you doubt me then just re-read yesterday's installment about Shnooke Rogan.
-I can sing, on demand, almost any TV theme song from the 80's. It's true. Even Mr. Belvedere!
-I can hold an entire conversation in "Movie Quote" language. All of my siblings can do this too but it's extremely rare to meet others who posses the "gift".
-I can create a victory dance at any occasion. This usually involves many James Brown foot shuffles and a lot of jerky arm movements.
-I'm excellent at assembling furniture from Ikea. My boyfriend is terrible at this but I can build a dining table like a teamster!
Here's just a few random talents that my friends and family have that might blow your minds:
-My brother-in-law, JJ, can throw his legs behind his head and light his farts on fire! Seriously, I've seen him do this a bunch of times and it creates a blue fire ball!
-My sister Sabrina and my mother can both wiggle their ears in an extremely creepy way. They stare right at you without changing the expression on their faces and wiggle away! Yikes!
-My friend Elaine can divide a bill among a table of 8 people and calculate the tip per person! She has a Masters Degree in Voice Performance so naturally, her education speaks for itself.
-My brother TJ can name every obscure actor from every bit-part in television and film ever! With TJ on my team we would definitely clean-up at the Pop Culture World Series!
I'm tired now people so enjoy these random thoughts. Stay classy and thanks for stopping by. :)
-I have extremely warm hands (all of the time) and have been known to charge $5 to hold your hands and warm them to my own temperature! I can also use this power to gross people out when it's actually hot outside.
-I can apply makeup while driving stick shift and talking on the phone. I'm not just talking lip gloss here people. I mean a full face of foundation, concealer, powder, eye primer, eye shadow, eye liner, mascara, bronzer, blush and lipstick. That's right. I have skills!
-I can lift both eyebrows individually and stare at you in a quizzical manner. I actually had to practice this one but it's very effective.
-I am fantastic at putting together a gift basket and can create perfect bows!
-I always know when someone is shady and am constantly declaring shenanigans on people I don't trust!
-I am extremely skilled at pretending to like people I think are shady when my friends won't listen to reason and make me put up with their crap! I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!
-I can perform the "Elaine Dance" (Seinfeld) like a champ! Just ask me, I'll do it for you. :)
-I have an incredible gift for making fun of people. If you doubt me then just re-read yesterday's installment about Shnooke Rogan.
-I can sing, on demand, almost any TV theme song from the 80's. It's true. Even Mr. Belvedere!
-I can hold an entire conversation in "Movie Quote" language. All of my siblings can do this too but it's extremely rare to meet others who posses the "gift".
-I can create a victory dance at any occasion. This usually involves many James Brown foot shuffles and a lot of jerky arm movements.
-I'm excellent at assembling furniture from Ikea. My boyfriend is terrible at this but I can build a dining table like a teamster!
Here's just a few random talents that my friends and family have that might blow your minds:
-My brother-in-law, JJ, can throw his legs behind his head and light his farts on fire! Seriously, I've seen him do this a bunch of times and it creates a blue fire ball!
-My sister Sabrina and my mother can both wiggle their ears in an extremely creepy way. They stare right at you without changing the expression on their faces and wiggle away! Yikes!
-My friend Elaine can divide a bill among a table of 8 people and calculate the tip per person! She has a Masters Degree in Voice Performance so naturally, her education speaks for itself.
-My brother TJ can name every obscure actor from every bit-part in television and film ever! With TJ on my team we would definitely clean-up at the Pop Culture World Series!
I'm tired now people so enjoy these random thoughts. Stay classy and thanks for stopping by. :)
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Minor "Celebrity" Sighting!
I was warned last night by my very wonderful boyfriend that a blogger was recently sued by a "Super Model" for slamming her online so please note that I will be changing the names of this "celebrity" in order to protect my ass! Last night a group of my most fabulous friends met up at Lucky Strike for a little bowling and a lot of booze when low and behold we spotted the infamous "Shnooke Rogan" (use your imagination people)!
First of all, let it be known in the open that I am very severe on my sex when it comes to style, hygiene, maintenance, etc. That being said, what a vision of Browardliness that Shnooke is!! Her platinum-straw hair was in abundance and her boobs really could've used a little more support. Also, I made an amazing discovery last night that I had never gotten a clear answer on just by watching the show--she has absolutely no ass! This is a major travesty as the poor girl already has man shoulders and no curves and could've really benefited from a pair of hips!
Her entourage was phenomenal! I've named them all as I have no idea who they are (a bunch of nobodies I guess) so please enjoy! There's Chucko, the red-headed "DJ" who was sporting an amazing set of ginger dreads under his baseball cap. Then there was No Game who was sporting a beautiful t-shirt that read "I love Oral" which I'm sure brings him tons of butter-faces. Then there was her love interest who I've named Timmy due to the extremely large cranium he was carrying around! I cannot say enough for Timmy (South Park reference) and his suave moves as he strutted around in his baggy jorts with the baseball cap he probably had custom made at Lids in Dolphin Mall (it was sitting on top of his head like a sauce pan)! The boy absolutely wreaked of failed reggaeton star and was a full head (very huge head that is) smaller than his lover!
Shnooke couldn't get enough of Timmy and yes, I have photo evidence of them making out (stay tuned for pictures)! What a classy bunch of Central Florida Escapees!! This sort of spectacle is something I would've expected from Seminole Hard Rock but not in South Beach! I also have to comment on the extreme manliness with which Shnooke handles the bowling ball and how she is constantly practicing dance moves while waiting for her ball to run back up the conveyor. Nice.
It's little unexpected treats like this that I am committed to provide to my dear friends and readers on a daily basis. I love tacky people...they make me feel so fantastic!
First of all, let it be known in the open that I am very severe on my sex when it comes to style, hygiene, maintenance, etc. That being said, what a vision of Browardliness that Shnooke is!! Her platinum-straw hair was in abundance and her boobs really could've used a little more support. Also, I made an amazing discovery last night that I had never gotten a clear answer on just by watching the show--she has absolutely no ass! This is a major travesty as the poor girl already has man shoulders and no curves and could've really benefited from a pair of hips!
Her entourage was phenomenal! I've named them all as I have no idea who they are (a bunch of nobodies I guess) so please enjoy! There's Chucko, the red-headed "DJ" who was sporting an amazing set of ginger dreads under his baseball cap. Then there was No Game who was sporting a beautiful t-shirt that read "I love Oral" which I'm sure brings him tons of butter-faces. Then there was her love interest who I've named Timmy due to the extremely large cranium he was carrying around! I cannot say enough for Timmy (South Park reference) and his suave moves as he strutted around in his baggy jorts with the baseball cap he probably had custom made at Lids in Dolphin Mall (it was sitting on top of his head like a sauce pan)! The boy absolutely wreaked of failed reggaeton star and was a full head (very huge head that is) smaller than his lover!
Shnooke couldn't get enough of Timmy and yes, I have photo evidence of them making out (stay tuned for pictures)! What a classy bunch of Central Florida Escapees!! This sort of spectacle is something I would've expected from Seminole Hard Rock but not in South Beach! I also have to comment on the extreme manliness with which Shnooke handles the bowling ball and how she is constantly practicing dance moves while waiting for her ball to run back up the conveyor. Nice.
It's little unexpected treats like this that I am committed to provide to my dear friends and readers on a daily basis. I love tacky people...they make me feel so fantastic!
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
The Creepy Secrets of Women
My boyfriend made an amazing discovery about women a couple of weeks ago. We were getting ready to go to the Fountainbleau and I went into the bathroom to do some "touch-up shaving" when he walked in on me shaving the hairs on my big toe!
OK, to set any men straight who may be reading this blog, ALL WOMEN HAVE TOE HAIRS. All of them...well, probably not Asian women. But the rest of the women in the world have toe hairs and a small patch of hair on the top of the foot. This is hair that we either deal with by waxing or shaving as no one wants to have caveman feet. My boyfriend was completely appalled by this and kept on asking me why I was committing this act. Uh, hello, I have toe hairs!!!
I've personally been shaving these toe hairs since high school and feel no shame in it. What I find to be more shameful is when a woman in dares to wear sandals without landscaping her metatarsals! We live in South Beach people, not Portland (sorry Sabs) and there are a few items that are completely unacceptable: an overabundance of female body hair, anything by Ed Hardy and fake bake. Actually, I can come up with quite a tall list of unacceptable items but this is just the start.
Needless to say, I still have a boyfriend and I still maintain my toe hairs with great diligence. Stay tuned for my next Creepy Secrets of Women where I discuss Spanks and ineffective cellulite creams. :)
OK, to set any men straight who may be reading this blog, ALL WOMEN HAVE TOE HAIRS. All of them...well, probably not Asian women. But the rest of the women in the world have toe hairs and a small patch of hair on the top of the foot. This is hair that we either deal with by waxing or shaving as no one wants to have caveman feet. My boyfriend was completely appalled by this and kept on asking me why I was committing this act. Uh, hello, I have toe hairs!!!
I've personally been shaving these toe hairs since high school and feel no shame in it. What I find to be more shameful is when a woman in dares to wear sandals without landscaping her metatarsals! We live in South Beach people, not Portland (sorry Sabs) and there are a few items that are completely unacceptable: an overabundance of female body hair, anything by Ed Hardy and fake bake. Actually, I can come up with quite a tall list of unacceptable items but this is just the start.
Needless to say, I still have a boyfriend and I still maintain my toe hairs with great diligence. Stay tuned for my next Creepy Secrets of Women where I discuss Spanks and ineffective cellulite creams. :)
Monday, August 24, 2009
Have you ever...
Have you ever been at a Chilis and wanted to pull the hostess with the bad bleach-job and Bump-It (As Seen on TV Hair volumizing Insert) aside and give her a quick makeover in the bathroom? Have you ever stopped the gayest man you could ever find on Lincoln Road so that you could pet his Chinese Crested and talk about doggie baby-talk? Have you and your friends ever done some day drinking and then gone on a crazy spending binge at Forever 21? Have you ever attempted to re-create any of the challenges on Top Chef only to end up using the theme as a loose outline for something completely different?
If you are guilty of any of the above mentioned items or have always wanted to do so then you and I definitely need to hang out! This blog is about the life of a young woman just coming into her 30's and living in fabulous South Beach! I've recently decided that I'm going to recapture some of the dreams I had in my early 20's (before I started earning money) and find the perfect balance between being responsible and living life to my fullest!
I love to talk so please feel free to dialogue with me and send comments on all my rants. I could seriously go on forever but I'm tired and I can't waste all my material on you just yet!
--Rosy
If you are guilty of any of the above mentioned items or have always wanted to do so then you and I definitely need to hang out! This blog is about the life of a young woman just coming into her 30's and living in fabulous South Beach! I've recently decided that I'm going to recapture some of the dreams I had in my early 20's (before I started earning money) and find the perfect balance between being responsible and living life to my fullest!
I love to talk so please feel free to dialogue with me and send comments on all my rants. I could seriously go on forever but I'm tired and I can't waste all my material on you just yet!
--Rosy
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