First of all, I believe I need to apologize to my faithful readers for the lapse in my entries. I have recently begun the long and painful search for a home this year and have become completely obsessed with the online MLS!
I've had a number of entries just boiling up in my head recently and I'm a slave to my public. I'm working to complete an entry that recounts a moment with a Massage Therapist and an SBD fart! In the meantime, please enjoy this list of Rosy Truths and please, share your thoughts with the whole class. Thanks kids and stay tuned for more!
Rosy Truths
1. Never trust the "frumpy" girl at work. She is always a crazy, hateful bitch and wants nothing more than to have all the cute girls fired. Think about it, if every time you saw yourself in the mirror you looked like hell you'd be out for blood too!
2. Its better to look good than to feel good. This is a Truth taught to me by my mother and I couldn't agree more! Whenever I'm hungover I always make an effort to shower up and throw on a chacha outfit. Fixes me up in no time!
3. Wearing eye makeup without any mascara is like thumb-tacking a Picasso to the wall! Seriously, if you're guilty of this habit then don't even talk to me because I seriously can't look at you!
4. Never trust the comedic tastes of anyone who didn't "get" the humor in Napoleon Dynamite. Never! While these might be good people who you can trust to babysit your child or pick up your mail but never let them choose the movie. You'll end up watching either Ghost Dad or American Sweethearts!
5. Never trust a person who's afraid of dogs. I don't have much else to say on this subject except that these people are creepy and useless!
6. Everything is better when you sing it like R. Kelly. Just try it and you'll see. Its the best!
7. Bacon fat is your friend. If you're going to eat something that clogs your arteries you really need to go the distance. Bacon is king!
8. Everything is better with a Slurpee. Next time you're having a stressful day stop off for some slushee magic. It'll make your life better.
9. You can never have enough hats, gloves or shoes. This is completely self-explanatory.
10. If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me! If you know me, you know how I roll. No one is safe from my commentary and if you're my close friend I'll simply be courteous enough to tell you to your face. Hollah!
11. There is nothing more lame in this world than hanging Successories Posters in your office. I hate, hate, hate these posters. Who the hell climbs a cliff and thinks, "Wow, this really relates to my professional life." Lame!
12. It is never cool to send out mass texts or post status updates with "inspirational quotes". No one cares that you think in cliches. Stop sharing and if you agree with me please refer to Rosy Truth #10.
13. Jersey Shore is the finest Reality Show of all time. If you don't agree with this declaration just know that I've now lumped in with the people from Rosy Truth #4.
14. With the exception of Jennifer Aniston, all movies starring a cast member from Friends will suck. You must trust me on this...its a fact!
15. A grown woman should NEVER want or keep a stuffed animal. Unless this is some sort of nostalgic piece of your childhood you keep in the attic you need to resist the urge. So unbelievably creepy!
16. Just because you had a baby doesn't mean you have to suck! I know plenty of people with children who still manage to socialize without sucking the fun out of the room. And do not even try to blame your body on your child for one second! They didn't ask you to get fat so that you could resent them, that was all you!
17. Never go to a Karaoke Bar and sing like you're trying to get "discovered". This type of behavior is unforgivable and irks me to the bottom of my soul. Record Executives aren't looking for people who ruin the mood by singing Celine Dion with their eyes closed!
18. You can figure out almost everything you need to know about a person by their choice of alcoholic beverage. Long Island Iced Tea: Insecure/Poor Drinker. Beer: Easy Going/Likes to have a good time. Scotch on the Rocks: Confident/Serious about partying. White Zinfandel: Whore/Man without balls.
19. Its never OK to show up at work with wet hair. This is almost like telling everyone at work to F*** Off. You seriously don't care!
20. Silver and Gold jewelry can be mixed at any time. As long as you're not wearing some kind of heavy chains you paid for in installments from the Mini Mall next to Sedanos, this will usually work well. Go for it!
21. There is never any excuse for VPL or Muffin Top. We've spoken about this all before and you know where I stand on this. Buy some freakin' Spanks if you have to but get yourself together already!
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ReplyDelete(4) - This can be extended to several things, but I like where your jumping off point was. There's a list of certain comics that act as that "line in the sand" between myself and those whose opinions I simply cannot place much value in anyone who hasn't laughed at at least one Richard Pryor bit. Louis CK is quickly approaching this status as well.
(13) - Preach on! The moment I hit the halfway point of the first episode I thought to myself, "This is the culmination of all reality TV. This is what they have been striving for. They'll try to take it further but it'll only diminish the value of it all. This is the very tippy-top of the bell curve." Also, I thought to myself, "Are J-Wowww's boobs perfect circles? And is it J-Wowww, J-Woww or J-Wowwwww?"
(14) - I'm sorry, Jennifer Aniston's movies are the ones that DON'T suck?
(15) - Unless she hunted it.
(16) - Oh sweet innocence. You have no idea what an unending source of excuses one gets from having a kid. It's your quickest, easiest out from any social event you simply don't want to be at.
(18) - Scotch drinker over here, and I'm always serious about partying. Dead-on analysis, there.
(21) - You have no idea what a source of entertainment VPL is for guys. If you're hot it's like getting to look in your dresser drawers. If you're fat then we get to unleash a furious frenzy of jokes centered around the "fabric holding on for dear life" theme. If you're average, it doesn't matter because we're looking at the back of you and we can just imagine you're hot. either way, hours of fun for us.
This is great stuff!!! You should be writing for a major publication.
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