Awkward Moments of Unnecessary Nakedness

As a little Cuban girl growing up the idea of physical modesty was pretty much beaten into me. We never ran around in diapers without a t-shirt growing up and we never swam naked at the beach. Shit, we never even ran barefoot in front of our own house! We were taught to always go into the restroom to get changed and to keep our boobies to ourselves! Of course, when I say "we" I'm referring to my sister Sabrina who still gets freaked out when I get changed in front of her!


In my life there's been a number of moments when I've encountered a creepy amount of unnecessary nakedness that has burned some horrible memories on my brain. These moments have caused me to both loathe and envy people for forcing me to pretend that I'm totally cool with all their "cash and prizes" staring me in the face while they casually carry on a conversation! Why can't they just keep their blouses on like I was brought up to? Why do they insist on engaging in conversation while their freakish boobs and "parts" hanging out? Why are they wearing thongs in public if they haven't had a waxing?


When I was in high school I went to the National Youth Group Gathering with a bunch of friends and one very odd (kindly put) female leader. I won't reveal her name (some of you can figure this one out) but she was less than attractive and very closely resembled a long haired Truman Capote! This lady got paired up with my friend Diana and I as our room chaperone and walked out of the shower with only a towel wrapped around her waist! What is she, Tarzan? She had the craziest pair of low-hangers with freakish sideways nipples and started talking to us about our day!! We were absolutely blown away when she next started to comb and blow dry her hair with a diffuser! How on earth was I supposed to discuss my spiritual growth while her growths were hanging around all over the place? Inappropriate!


When I was in College I was forced to take dance so that as a Theatre Major I would hopefully become a triple threat. No such luck. However, I do remember the first time I used the locker room after ballet to change into something for my next class. I walked in before anyone else finished class and let myself into one of the large stalls so as to maintain my discretion. When I emerged, the main area was packed with naked hippy-chicks with hairy armpits and weird underwear! I need to add that this was when I attended Florida State because FIU's dance program, as we all know, was packed with Latin girls as modest as me! One girl asked me where I got my blouse (as if she was actually going to wear one) and engaged me in a conversation that kept me guessing where to stare--at this girls saucer sized nips or her nearly dreadlocked pits! Yikes!

My sister recently had a locker room experience of her own. Mind you, this is the girl who gets made if I moon her but not if I fart in the car...nuts! She walked into the locker room after a workout and spotted a middle aged woman fresh out of the shower and conversing with a not too comfortable bystander. The situation then took a new turn when the lady propped up her foot on a bench and leaned forward to pop her elbow on her knee! How can this woman live with herself?! Why can't she at least pop on a Tarzan and spare us the labials! Unacceptable!!

I think the most uncomfortable part of these situations is that these people all assume that everyone is as comfortable with our bodies as they are! Did their mothers never wear undies around the house growing up? Did the family sit around for naked Bible Studies? Did their nipples become deformed from the lack of undergarments? These are all questions that I'd like to get to the bottom of but I refuse to lose any sleep over. If any of you have any insight or scenarios to share please do! In the meantime, I will go on with my life in avoidance of naked awkwardness and will vow here and now to never put any of you through one of these creep moments!