I Nearly Cut a Bitch!

I've never been known as someone with a bad temper. In fact, I'm usually known for my perpetually sunny attitude. While I've been known to lose my cool from time to time (usually at work) I usually have a high tolerance for shenanigans. Last night, however, I was pushed to such a level of aggravation that I nearly cut a bitch!

Gio and I love going to concerts and will travel across the country for a good show. No matter where you go, the simple concert etiquette rules always apply and for the most part people are polite and courteous. Last night we went to the Vagabond to catch the Junior Boys show and the crowd was ridiculous! The line to get in wrapped around the block and even though we had pre-purchased tickets I had to convince the "Door People" to come talk to us instead of allowing the moochers to walk ahead. When we finally made it through the door and headed to the main room the floor was so packed that we had to "politely" push and shove our way across the room.

We settled into a spot on the back right corner of the room and cozied up to a bald guy wearing a choker with these two chicks dressed as though it was still 1998. You know what I'm talking about. They were the kind of girls with dolphin or sunflower tattoos on their ankles and they'd probably make out with each other just to turn on the choker guy before the night was over. Gio took a spot right behind me but kept his arm around my waist for safe keeping. Choker Man was clearly buzzed and continuously attempted to wrap his left arm around the both of the girls from 1998 but was only successful in bumping splashes of Vodka Tonic out of my glass. I gave him some small nudges and tried to ignore his stupidity but after enduring five songs of this my patience began to wear thin.

Then enter the next two douche bags! The first guy can only be described as Harvey Keitel with Bruce Jenner's hair cut and his friend was the Poor Man's Jason Priestly. Seriously. The two gimps pushed their way in from my left and decided to park themselves right in front of me. Here is when the snap began. I turned to Brandon Walsh and said, "Oh, so this is what you're going to do? You're going to stop right here in front of me?" Harvey Jenner missed the whole situation as he was busy texting away. The guy cut in front of me so that he could text people and block my view! Then his extremely astute friend made the mistake of saying, "What?" and caused the snap to complete. "Is this what you're gonna do? I've been here for a half hour and you and your friend are going to stop here right in front of me? You need to pick up your douche friend and keep on moving! Why don't you move on and park in front of those chicks from 1998?!"

At this point, Choker Man threw his arm around with such a force that he caused my drink to splash onto my blouse. It was on and I started yelling! "Look, I understand if you're trying to mack on these two chicks. But if you're going to swing your freakish hairy arm around you need to look in all directions first! You've been knocking this drink out of my glass over and over and now I'm wearing half of it! Move over and quit ruining my night!"

I lost it. I know. I completely flew off the handle. Gio stood behind me laughing at the whole situation and like a good boyfriend, took me out of the room and bought me a fresh drink. Choker Man apologized a million times and I completely scared Harvey and Jason out of the way (and right in front of the girls from 1998...hahaha). In a crazy way, I completely enjoyed myself! There was something so fantastic about being able to flip out on a few douche bags and release all the disgust I had been hiding in my heart!

With the fresh drink in hand I recounted the story of my skirmish to our friends and even broke into some dancing! I guess I ought to feel bad about my behavior but those guys should feel way worse about their complete lack of concert etiquette! If any of you want to catch a concert with me sometime know that I'll make sure to shame everyone out of our way as we dance on their embarrassment!

The Art of Hiding Fatness

First of all, I'd like to apologize for the delay in this entry. I have neglected my readers for far too long and am committed to make this up to you and will start with a subject that's near and dear to my heart: hiding the fatty parts on my body!

I've recently recovered from a terrible cold and have been dealing with kidney stones for the last month. Super attractive. As a result, my workout regime has suffered greatly and even though my lovely boyfriend swears I'm thin (bless him), I know where the fat has begun to lurk. On just the edge of my belly, the upper part of my hips and the inside of my thighs! How does the fat know how to sneak in on me like this? Its as though the fat is growing smarter and smarter as I age and eventually, I will be overcome by it's powers!

I'm walking in a wedding in November and recently discovered that I now appear to have a tiny ponch in the bridesmaid dress and am faced with two options: get back to my summer shape or breakdown and buy a compression undergarment, better known as "una faja"!

As a young girl we all grew up watching our mothers pour themselves into these contraptions as they prepared themselves to attend a wedding, baptism or Quince. As grown Hispanic women, we tend to give in one by one and begin purchasing Spanks in order to keep our ghetto booties under control. I have yet to wear Spanks but have been known to dabble in control-top tights from time to time. I never have VPL (if you don't know what this is just ask your gay friends to smack you and explain) and strongly believe in lace strapped undies to prevent the creation of Muffin Top. But, this prospect of having to shop alongside the abuelas in some kind of specialty store are extremely frightening and as a result, I've begun working out like mad!

Before closing this installment I'd like to give some attention to the two greatest offenses women commit on a daily basis: VPL and Muffin Top. Ladies, I don't care what shape, size, age or weight you are, there is always a way to avoid these catastrophes! It is completely unacceptable to commit these crimes and not hate yourself! If you're wearing leggings you have no right to wear a bikini brief! No right at all! You have to either embrace the thong or spend the cash on those seamless boy shorts. VPL sends the message that you just don't care about your appearance or about creating the ilusion of the "double ass". Take a little pride in being a woman and purchase the proper undergarments. You have no right!!

Now, Muffin Top is a phenomena that can pop up in many different forms. There is traditional muffin top which is honestly most common in girls with no ass. Seriously. Its a fact that if you have a big butt the denim gets pulled into another direction and you are 30% less likely to have Muffin Top. Hooray!

Upper Arm Muffin Top occurs when you wear a size Small cap sleeve blouse from Forever 21 when you know you belong in a Medium. Stop lying to yourself! Large breasted women can have Boob Muffin Top when they're wearing an old bra from high school (you know who you are) and it is nearly impossible to hide in any kind of blouse. Twin Peaks people! My friend Gise recently found that if you buy a very tight knee brace you end up running around Miami Beach with Knee Muffin Top! Watch out for her knee overlap if you're running with her!

At some point, I will have no choice and will embrace the likes of Spanks and Fajas but for now, I'd rather invest my money into a personal trainer instead of purchasing an array of double Lycra compression garments. So if you see Gise and I running around with her "Top of the Muffin to Ya" knee, throw us a waive and wish me luck!

The Whereabouts of Renee Ferguson

Ask, and you shall receive! I had a request from one of my readers to report on the whereabouts of Fergie's buck-toothed sister Renee. Well, check out the link below and feast your eyes on more Fergie fake-bake! Enjoy!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wild_Orchid_(band)

PLEASE STOP TOUCHING YOUR FACES!!

Earlier today, I happened to catch a few minutes of Poseidon, the extremely disappointing remake of Gene Hackman's The Poseidon Adventure. Just when I was about to change the channel when I was suddenly struck by the vision on Fergie singing on stage for the ship's New Year's Party. First of all, the thought of Fergie working as a cruise ship entertainer is way too amazing and gives me a warm feeling inside. However, I couldn't help but notice how freaking busted that girl is! Am I the only person that remembers her as Stacy from Kids Incorporated? That show was part of the original Nickelodeon lineup when the network seemed to be obsessed with Canadian programming and the green slime actually meant something. But she went from being the sunny little girl with a dream to that busted chick who wets her pants and marries way out of her league! The girl has touched her face so many times she's starting to look like Charo! And I don't mean the Charo from the 60's, I mean Charo from Surreal World!! See below for the evidence of her progression.

Next, we have the Material Girl herself, Madonna. I don't care how much my gay friends shun me for saying this but the truth must be told cuz girlfriend looks nuts! I'm sitting here watching SNL (Scarlett made a cameo since her hubby is hosting...yuck) and Madonna pops in from out of nowhere to make a cameo. She subjected us to her extremely dynamic acting skills and had a play fight with Lady Gaga. While I find Lady Gaga to be a hugely ridiculous sell-out (look up the images of her from her Coffee House years in 2007) that girl made Madonna look like a sickly old waste! I have no idea what she was trying to achieve from her last Plastic Surgery but if she walked into the doctor's office and asked to look like the puppet from Saw, well, mission accomplished! She looks like a damn ventriloquist dummy! I'm not even sure how she's able to wear sunglasses anymore with those crazy cheekbones! If she touches her face one more time she won't be able to open her eyes anymore and her nose will be in her mouth! See below for more evidence.

Ladies, I am all in favor of doing a little something to your nose or removing a turkey jowl if it makes you feel better but when we start to look like Cat People something has got to give! I feel it is much more attractive to age gracefully than to deform your face and turn into a freak show! Madonna, you're not fooling anyone...we all know you're an old lady and you need to give it up! And as for you Fergie, if this is what you look like now what's going to happen when you hit 50? You both need to suck up to Cher for her surgeon's phone number and get those faces straightened out immediately. If Bruce Jenner is starting to look more normal than you it's definitely time for a change! Stop touching your faces...the world has enough to fear without looking at your freaky mugs!