Shameful Moments I'll Never Forget!

In my life I believe I've survived my fair share of moments that have left a lasting impression on my life. Some of these moments have been times of sorrow, some have been times of celebration and some have even been times of great revelation. However, its much more entertaining for me to tell you about some of the most shameful moments I've survived and hope you can certainly identify with my strife. All these moments happened within the last couple of months so you can imagine how many of these moments actually fill my entire life!

Recently, I was visiting the Physical Therapist for a little work on my neck and back. This isn't like a private therapist's office but rather a larger facility with a small gym and a few beds separated by curtains. I was laying down in the therapist's table for a massage and placed my face into the table opening. Let me point out that this is not a traditional massage bed but a therapist's table which is a full rectangle. The massage therapist was going to town on my back and as I began to breathe deeply through the pain...that crazy little bitch cut an SBD fart! To make matters worst, not only did I completely taste the fart but the rectangle shape of the table caused the fart to linger Dolores O'Riordan's career! The worst part was when she asked me how I felt afterwards and I had to look her in the eye and say, "refreshed." Yeah, refreshed from the fart cocktail you choked me with under the table! Fo!

A few weeks back I was at a birthday party and ran into a guy I met once before but couldn't remember. After many drinks we struck up a conversation and realized that we'd met before through a close friend he went to high school with. As a classic little drunk Rosy I went right ahead and blurted out, "Are you Nicaraguan?" This came as a shocker and not to out-do myself I quickly added, "You totally look Nica." Then, to take it a step further I called over my boyfriend and said, "Hey babe, this is Carlos and he went to high school with Eric. He's jincho!" For those of you who don't know this word please feel free to look it up on Google. Thankfully, he was cool and knew I was full of vodka. I'm a horrible, horrible person and cannot be taken out anywhere. Meh.

Ok, I just want to add that I have a number of Nicaraguan friends and I buy Fritanga at Yambo every chance I get! Don't judge me!

While we're on the topic of me being a big mouth, I'd like to mention that I always try to shame people from Broward. If I have to listen to one more person try to convince me that Delray Beach is the coolest city in South Florida I'm going to vomit! However, since I actually work in Dania Beach I often have to suck it up and listen to people's stories about driving down Federal Highway, grabbing lunch on Yamato Road and enjoying dinner in Boca. As far as I'm concerned, I live in Miami Beach and all the Broward people live in South Florida! Bland!

This past weekend I was in New York with my boyfriend and we spent one really beautiful afternoon in Central Park. We were there with a friend and stopped into the Boat House for a drink where we met George, the native New Yorker. George was a 78 year old man who most likely hangs out in the park in hopes of finding someone nice to talk to. He was wearing a suite with a fidora and his tie and pocket square were matching! He began telling us about his fantastic life and his late wife and then busted into a rant of hilarious jokes that became progressivly more and more off-color. Through all this, George was enjoying a cup of Manhattan Clam Chowder and was projectile spitting bits of food onto my arms and face! He even busted into a couple of songs and gave me a "dirty old guy" shoulder rub while my boyfriend laughed at me! We're just terrible people.

While I know I'll continue to have moments like this throughout my life I'm so glad that I have you all to share this with. I seem to have a knack for finding uncomfortable situations and a tenacity for creating them on my own! But I guess its my ability to find the humor in everything that makes me different from other people. Don't worry, there's so much more where this came from!

The Blogs are Back On!!

First of all, I believe I need to apologize to my faithful readers for the lapse in my entries. I have recently begun the long and painful search for a home this year and have become completely obsessed with the online MLS!

I've had a number of entries just boiling up in my head recently and I'm a slave to my public. I'm working to complete an entry that recounts a moment with a Massage Therapist and an SBD fart! In the meantime, please enjoy this list of Rosy Truths and please, share your thoughts with the whole class. Thanks kids and stay tuned for more!

Rosy Truths
1. Never trust the "frumpy" girl at work. She is always a crazy, hateful bitch and wants nothing more than to have all the cute girls fired. Think about it, if every time you saw yourself in the mirror you looked like hell you'd be out for blood too!

2. Its better to look good than to feel good. This is a Truth taught to me by my mother and I couldn't agree more! Whenever I'm hungover I always make an effort to shower up and throw on a chacha outfit. Fixes me up in no time!

3. Wearing eye makeup without any mascara is like thumb-tacking a Picasso to the wall! Seriously, if you're guilty of this habit then don't even talk to me because I seriously can't look at you!

4. Never trust the comedic tastes of anyone who didn't "get" the humor in Napoleon Dynamite. Never! While these might be good people who you can trust to babysit your child or pick up your mail but never let them choose the movie. You'll end up watching either Ghost Dad or American Sweethearts!

5. Never trust a person who's afraid of dogs. I don't have much else to say on this subject except that these people are creepy and useless!

6. Everything is better when you sing it like R. Kelly. Just try it and you'll see. Its the best!

7. Bacon fat is your friend. If you're going to eat something that clogs your arteries you really need to go the distance. Bacon is king!

8. Everything is better with a Slurpee. Next time you're having a stressful day stop off for some slushee magic. It'll make your life better.

9. You can never have enough hats, gloves or shoes. This is completely self-explanatory.

10. If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me! If you know me, you know how I roll. No one is safe from my commentary and if you're my close friend I'll simply be courteous enough to tell you to your face. Hollah!

11. There is nothing more lame in this world than hanging Successories Posters in your office. I hate, hate, hate these posters. Who the hell climbs a cliff and thinks, "Wow, this really relates to my professional life." Lame!

12. It is never cool to send out mass texts or post status updates with "inspirational quotes". No one cares that you think in cliches. Stop sharing and if you agree with me please refer to Rosy Truth #10.

13. Jersey Shore is the finest Reality Show of all time. If you don't agree with this declaration just know that I've now lumped in with the people from Rosy Truth #4.

14. With the exception of Jennifer Aniston, all movies starring a cast member from Friends will suck. You must trust me on this...its a fact!

15. A grown woman should NEVER want or keep a stuffed animal. Unless this is some sort of nostalgic piece of your childhood you keep in the attic you need to resist the urge. So unbelievably creepy!

16. Just because you had a baby doesn't mean you have to suck! I know plenty of people with children who still manage to socialize without sucking the fun out of the room. And do not even try to blame your body on your child for one second! They didn't ask you to get fat so that you could resent them, that was all you!

17. Never go to a Karaoke Bar and sing like you're trying to get "discovered". This type of behavior is unforgivable and irks me to the bottom of my soul. Record Executives aren't looking for people who ruin the mood by singing Celine Dion with their eyes closed!

18. You can figure out almost everything you need to know about a person by their choice of alcoholic beverage. Long Island Iced Tea: Insecure/Poor Drinker. Beer: Easy Going/Likes to have a good time. Scotch on the Rocks: Confident/Serious about partying. White Zinfandel: Whore/Man without balls.

19. Its never OK to show up at work with wet hair. This is almost like telling everyone at work to F*** Off. You seriously don't care!

20. Silver and Gold jewelry can be mixed at any time. As long as you're not wearing some kind of heavy chains you paid for in installments from the Mini Mall next to Sedanos, this will usually work well. Go for it!

21. There is never any excuse for VPL or Muffin Top. We've spoken about this all before and you know where I stand on this. Buy some freakin' Spanks if you have to but get yourself together already!

A man in a rhinestoned cape? Must be "Art Basil"!

Oh yes, it's that time of year again! Last night marked the beginning of Art Basel and we kicked off the festivities by heading out to an "Art Basil" (retards) party on Star Island. After an incredibly awkward cab ride with an overly chatty driver we arrived at a "house" that appeared to be more like the Village of Santo Poco from The Three Amigos! The place was huge and was crawling with socialites, sickly looking models, ex-reality show posers and of course, lots of old men trying to look hip! Seriously, there was a man in his late 40's with green spiked hair and a pooka necklace!

When we first entered the party we were left breathless from the spectacle of statues that lined the gardens. There was a giant Velociraptor, Silver Back Gorilla, twin pigs and a few bronze old men. The DJ was the legendary Galaxy Girl who in her late 40's is still keeping it as real as a rave by Rinker in 1997! Classy. There were models riding around on electric bicycles painted up like foliage and dressed in what appeared to be paper machier frocks. There were also a lot of man scarves (complete with pompoms) and a bevvy of gold diggers on the prowl!

I'd like to take a brief moment here to discuss the dimly lit "stars" from the briefly aired Miami Social. While I loved to hate the program I admit, I watched every episode and can name all those vomits whenever I spot them at Segafredo's drinking an Ignacio (long story for another time). Up close in person, here's the verdict: Sora is pretty but is way older than I thought and her boyfriend looks like Danny Wood from the New Kids. Michael is extremely wimpy looking and was spotted wearing some kind of Old Navy Rugby Shirt with black slacks and dress shoes! I guess that crazy Russian girl really did cut up all his jeans! Katrina looks like she's been holding in all her farts since she auditioned for The Apprentice's first season and seriously needs to reconsider that husband she just left! I swear, I should have my own show!

OK, and now for the grand finale--Cape Man! As I sipped my overly sweetened mojito and glanced at all the ridiculousness this party had to offer, God offered up one more treat in the form of an extremely gay man wearing an aqua blazer that came complete with a bedazzled cape attached! And not just any run of the mill bedazzling but a rhinestone Peace Sign! It's as though he wanted to share with the world his view that being tacky can bring peace. Fantastic. Complete with frosted tips and a bare chest beneath his blazer he was a dream come true for me! I quickly approached him and when our eyes locked we shared a serendipitous moment that can only be created when an incredibly gay man meets of woman of equal gayness (if you don't understand this statement you're either a bland woman or a very straight man).

I approached my Caped Crusader and said, "Honey, you're just too fabulous! I need to take a picture with you." He replied by saying, "Sure thing Cleopatra. Lets go!" He threw his arm around me and began to bounce around in anticipation of our photo op. He was as excited as me! After we shared our blissful moment and walked away I knew that I had been in the presence of gay greatness. This type of magical moment is clearly the mark of a bountiful Art Basel or rather, Art Basil and this year, I intend to soak in as much tacky as possible!

Awkward Moments of Unnecessary Nakedness

As a little Cuban girl growing up the idea of physical modesty was pretty much beaten into me. We never ran around in diapers without a t-shirt growing up and we never swam naked at the beach. Shit, we never even ran barefoot in front of our own house! We were taught to always go into the restroom to get changed and to keep our boobies to ourselves! Of course, when I say "we" I'm referring to my sister Sabrina who still gets freaked out when I get changed in front of her!


In my life there's been a number of moments when I've encountered a creepy amount of unnecessary nakedness that has burned some horrible memories on my brain. These moments have caused me to both loathe and envy people for forcing me to pretend that I'm totally cool with all their "cash and prizes" staring me in the face while they casually carry on a conversation! Why can't they just keep their blouses on like I was brought up to? Why do they insist on engaging in conversation while their freakish boobs and "parts" hanging out? Why are they wearing thongs in public if they haven't had a waxing?


When I was in high school I went to the National Youth Group Gathering with a bunch of friends and one very odd (kindly put) female leader. I won't reveal her name (some of you can figure this one out) but she was less than attractive and very closely resembled a long haired Truman Capote! This lady got paired up with my friend Diana and I as our room chaperone and walked out of the shower with only a towel wrapped around her waist! What is she, Tarzan? She had the craziest pair of low-hangers with freakish sideways nipples and started talking to us about our day!! We were absolutely blown away when she next started to comb and blow dry her hair with a diffuser! How on earth was I supposed to discuss my spiritual growth while her growths were hanging around all over the place? Inappropriate!


When I was in College I was forced to take dance so that as a Theatre Major I would hopefully become a triple threat. No such luck. However, I do remember the first time I used the locker room after ballet to change into something for my next class. I walked in before anyone else finished class and let myself into one of the large stalls so as to maintain my discretion. When I emerged, the main area was packed with naked hippy-chicks with hairy armpits and weird underwear! I need to add that this was when I attended Florida State because FIU's dance program, as we all know, was packed with Latin girls as modest as me! One girl asked me where I got my blouse (as if she was actually going to wear one) and engaged me in a conversation that kept me guessing where to stare--at this girls saucer sized nips or her nearly dreadlocked pits! Yikes!

My sister recently had a locker room experience of her own. Mind you, this is the girl who gets made if I moon her but not if I fart in the car...nuts! She walked into the locker room after a workout and spotted a middle aged woman fresh out of the shower and conversing with a not too comfortable bystander. The situation then took a new turn when the lady propped up her foot on a bench and leaned forward to pop her elbow on her knee! How can this woman live with herself?! Why can't she at least pop on a Tarzan and spare us the labials! Unacceptable!!

I think the most uncomfortable part of these situations is that these people all assume that everyone is as comfortable with our bodies as they are! Did their mothers never wear undies around the house growing up? Did the family sit around for naked Bible Studies? Did their nipples become deformed from the lack of undergarments? These are all questions that I'd like to get to the bottom of but I refuse to lose any sleep over. If any of you have any insight or scenarios to share please do! In the meantime, I will go on with my life in avoidance of naked awkwardness and will vow here and now to never put any of you through one of these creep moments!

I Nearly Cut a Bitch!

I've never been known as someone with a bad temper. In fact, I'm usually known for my perpetually sunny attitude. While I've been known to lose my cool from time to time (usually at work) I usually have a high tolerance for shenanigans. Last night, however, I was pushed to such a level of aggravation that I nearly cut a bitch!

Gio and I love going to concerts and will travel across the country for a good show. No matter where you go, the simple concert etiquette rules always apply and for the most part people are polite and courteous. Last night we went to the Vagabond to catch the Junior Boys show and the crowd was ridiculous! The line to get in wrapped around the block and even though we had pre-purchased tickets I had to convince the "Door People" to come talk to us instead of allowing the moochers to walk ahead. When we finally made it through the door and headed to the main room the floor was so packed that we had to "politely" push and shove our way across the room.

We settled into a spot on the back right corner of the room and cozied up to a bald guy wearing a choker with these two chicks dressed as though it was still 1998. You know what I'm talking about. They were the kind of girls with dolphin or sunflower tattoos on their ankles and they'd probably make out with each other just to turn on the choker guy before the night was over. Gio took a spot right behind me but kept his arm around my waist for safe keeping. Choker Man was clearly buzzed and continuously attempted to wrap his left arm around the both of the girls from 1998 but was only successful in bumping splashes of Vodka Tonic out of my glass. I gave him some small nudges and tried to ignore his stupidity but after enduring five songs of this my patience began to wear thin.

Then enter the next two douche bags! The first guy can only be described as Harvey Keitel with Bruce Jenner's hair cut and his friend was the Poor Man's Jason Priestly. Seriously. The two gimps pushed their way in from my left and decided to park themselves right in front of me. Here is when the snap began. I turned to Brandon Walsh and said, "Oh, so this is what you're going to do? You're going to stop right here in front of me?" Harvey Jenner missed the whole situation as he was busy texting away. The guy cut in front of me so that he could text people and block my view! Then his extremely astute friend made the mistake of saying, "What?" and caused the snap to complete. "Is this what you're gonna do? I've been here for a half hour and you and your friend are going to stop here right in front of me? You need to pick up your douche friend and keep on moving! Why don't you move on and park in front of those chicks from 1998?!"

At this point, Choker Man threw his arm around with such a force that he caused my drink to splash onto my blouse. It was on and I started yelling! "Look, I understand if you're trying to mack on these two chicks. But if you're going to swing your freakish hairy arm around you need to look in all directions first! You've been knocking this drink out of my glass over and over and now I'm wearing half of it! Move over and quit ruining my night!"

I lost it. I know. I completely flew off the handle. Gio stood behind me laughing at the whole situation and like a good boyfriend, took me out of the room and bought me a fresh drink. Choker Man apologized a million times and I completely scared Harvey and Jason out of the way (and right in front of the girls from 1998...hahaha). In a crazy way, I completely enjoyed myself! There was something so fantastic about being able to flip out on a few douche bags and release all the disgust I had been hiding in my heart!

With the fresh drink in hand I recounted the story of my skirmish to our friends and even broke into some dancing! I guess I ought to feel bad about my behavior but those guys should feel way worse about their complete lack of concert etiquette! If any of you want to catch a concert with me sometime know that I'll make sure to shame everyone out of our way as we dance on their embarrassment!

The Art of Hiding Fatness

First of all, I'd like to apologize for the delay in this entry. I have neglected my readers for far too long and am committed to make this up to you and will start with a subject that's near and dear to my heart: hiding the fatty parts on my body!

I've recently recovered from a terrible cold and have been dealing with kidney stones for the last month. Super attractive. As a result, my workout regime has suffered greatly and even though my lovely boyfriend swears I'm thin (bless him), I know where the fat has begun to lurk. On just the edge of my belly, the upper part of my hips and the inside of my thighs! How does the fat know how to sneak in on me like this? Its as though the fat is growing smarter and smarter as I age and eventually, I will be overcome by it's powers!

I'm walking in a wedding in November and recently discovered that I now appear to have a tiny ponch in the bridesmaid dress and am faced with two options: get back to my summer shape or breakdown and buy a compression undergarment, better known as "una faja"!

As a young girl we all grew up watching our mothers pour themselves into these contraptions as they prepared themselves to attend a wedding, baptism or Quince. As grown Hispanic women, we tend to give in one by one and begin purchasing Spanks in order to keep our ghetto booties under control. I have yet to wear Spanks but have been known to dabble in control-top tights from time to time. I never have VPL (if you don't know what this is just ask your gay friends to smack you and explain) and strongly believe in lace strapped undies to prevent the creation of Muffin Top. But, this prospect of having to shop alongside the abuelas in some kind of specialty store are extremely frightening and as a result, I've begun working out like mad!

Before closing this installment I'd like to give some attention to the two greatest offenses women commit on a daily basis: VPL and Muffin Top. Ladies, I don't care what shape, size, age or weight you are, there is always a way to avoid these catastrophes! It is completely unacceptable to commit these crimes and not hate yourself! If you're wearing leggings you have no right to wear a bikini brief! No right at all! You have to either embrace the thong or spend the cash on those seamless boy shorts. VPL sends the message that you just don't care about your appearance or about creating the ilusion of the "double ass". Take a little pride in being a woman and purchase the proper undergarments. You have no right!!

Now, Muffin Top is a phenomena that can pop up in many different forms. There is traditional muffin top which is honestly most common in girls with no ass. Seriously. Its a fact that if you have a big butt the denim gets pulled into another direction and you are 30% less likely to have Muffin Top. Hooray!

Upper Arm Muffin Top occurs when you wear a size Small cap sleeve blouse from Forever 21 when you know you belong in a Medium. Stop lying to yourself! Large breasted women can have Boob Muffin Top when they're wearing an old bra from high school (you know who you are) and it is nearly impossible to hide in any kind of blouse. Twin Peaks people! My friend Gise recently found that if you buy a very tight knee brace you end up running around Miami Beach with Knee Muffin Top! Watch out for her knee overlap if you're running with her!

At some point, I will have no choice and will embrace the likes of Spanks and Fajas but for now, I'd rather invest my money into a personal trainer instead of purchasing an array of double Lycra compression garments. So if you see Gise and I running around with her "Top of the Muffin to Ya" knee, throw us a waive and wish me luck!

The Whereabouts of Renee Ferguson

Ask, and you shall receive! I had a request from one of my readers to report on the whereabouts of Fergie's buck-toothed sister Renee. Well, check out the link below and feast your eyes on more Fergie fake-bake! Enjoy!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wild_Orchid_(band)